Victory on Splash Mountain — Disneyland (part 2)

I won a bet with my buddy Keaton and he had to go to Disneyland with me.  So far, all he’d done was complain about how gay Disneyland was and how super gay it was to be there with me.  We started off in Tomorrowland and, I got blown away by Star Tours before we got our butts kicked on the Buzz Lightyear shooting ride.  Then…

Since looking at a Disneyland map was gay, I was in charge of picking out the rides we went on. I got us on the teacups next. When it was our turn and we had to pick a cup, I wasn’t paying attention and moved towards a pink one because it was closest and empty. Wrong move. “I ain’t gettin in no pink teacup, bubba.” I almost wished it was the last one and we’d had to get in it…but there was a yellow one next to it, and Keaton was willing to settle for that.

I think we broke all spinning records once the ride started, as we both went at the wheel in the middle with all we had. I was a pro ball player…I’m competitive by nature. And Keaton can’t stand to lose. Good thing we were looking down at the wheel and not around us…or it could have gotten pretty messy lol.

Good thing we hadn’t eaten, either. But we were hungry. There was a churro cart nearby, so we started with that. We didn’t stop for a real meal, but had plenty to eat. I may have left something out, but I think this is what we grabbed as we were walking around:

• those churros
• another two churros
• popcorn
• pineapple ice cream floats by the Tiki room
• a turkey leg apiece
• some barbecue skewers at the place in Adventureland
• and more ice cream as we were on our way out at the end of the night

We certainly didn’t starve. I just wish they had Mountain Dew instead of just Coke.

At least Keaton didn’t think the turkey legs were gay. I was really into them on our second trip to Disney in Florida…I was 15 and I think I had one every day we were there. Growing boy lol. I’d forgotten how big they are – I somehow ate 2 one day in Florida! – but they are good. If my “brotherhood of shortstops” attitude annoys Keaton, he’s got his “there’s no barbecue outside of Texas” attitude which is just as annoying. For someone who thinks that, he sure wolfed down a turkey leg. He took it to a bench and ate it without saying anything.

I didn’t even need to ask “bubba likey?”.  Bubba was lickin his fingers.

The only thing that bothers me about those turkey legs is what the rest of those turkeys must look like. We’re talking Justin Bour size legs…and the thought of a Justin Bour size turkey is pretty scary lol.

Indiana Jones was broken and Pirates of the Carribbean was closed, so that kind of sucked, but we did make it onto the Haunted Mansion (the ride blows me away…I especially like the floating talking crystal ball…and guess who didn’t say it was gay on the way out?). I guess we shook our hitchhiking ghosts, and lucked out when we got to Splash Mountain.  They’d closed it for a while, but it was just then up and running again, so we got to get on with almost no line.

Y’all know I’m proud to be from the South, so there’s one reason for me to like Splash Mountain. (I’ve even seen “Song of the South” – but I guess I shouldn’t tell you how lol.) I wasn’t sure how Keaton was going to handle singing animals, but he kept quiet, and didn’t once lean forward and tell me it was gay.  He did tell me he was going to get back at me for the soaking his shorts took during that dark drop inside. (I was in the front of the log. Keaton was in the #2 seat. I think that’s the one that gets wettest.) Then we started going up the ramp past the vultures. When we got to the top and we just about to plunge down, Keaton said a word I don’t think they like you to say at Disneyland. Then he let out the loudest “yee-haw!” I’ve ever heard in my life on our way down.

We had a pretend Rebel Yell that we did at pep rallies back in high school, but “yee haw” is more a Texan thing than a Tennessee one. I guess they teach it to you early when you grow up there. Keaton is usually so busy being Clint Eastwood quiet that I didn’t even know he could be that loud. After the drop, before we got to the Zip a dee doo dah part at the end, Keaton leaned forward and said “that was fuckin awesome, bubba!”. Good thing he was leaning forward, you really do gotta watch your language when there are that many kids around.

He went even one further: when we were on our way out of the ride, Keaton was actually singing “zip a dee doo dah.” The only time I’ve ever heard him sing was singing along with George Strait or Hank Williams Jr. in the truck.

That was the last time I heard him whine that Disneyland was gay. I’m sure he’ll tell everyone it was super gay, but he’d blown his cover. And he didn’t look like he cared. As we were walking back towards the rest of the park from Splash Mountain, you pass the Winnie the Pooh ride. That’s like the gayest thing of all, and Keaton said we should go on it. I’m not kidding. No “yeehaw” for that…but he actually did high-five me and say “Tigger is one badass son of a biscuit” at the end.

There was even more fun to come.