About ten years ago, Keaton had a job working as the bodyguard for a gay Dutch billionaire. The situation was a little crazy – everyone working for the billionaire’s company except for Keaton was gay – but he said he enjoyed the job. It must have been plenty fun to be a 21 year old boy from Granbury, TX living in Amsterdam.
The job did get uncomfortable when a super good-looking dude came to work for the company and went to work on the boss. Keaton and the boss’ #1 assistant Dirk thought the good-looking dude was up to no good. Turns out they were right.
One of the big executives with the company started secret negotiations with a Japanese company that was planning a takeover of the Dutch one. Neither me nor Keaton knows a whole lot about corporate takeovers, so I can’t explain it too closely. I reckon it’s enough to say that the executive was trying to fuck the boss over big time.
And who did he get to work with him on this?
You guessed it: the super good-looking Spanish dude who’d made his way into the boss’ bed. I know this sounds like one of those shows Melanie Kate likes to watch, but it really happened. I reckon you put that many gay guys together and you’re gonna end up with a soap opera. (The one thing Keaton never found out was if the Spanish dude was sleeping with the executive trying to start the takeover. I bet he was holding out on him and controlling him that way. He sounds like that kind of slimeball. It’s jerkoffs like him who give good-looking guys a bad reputation.)
Dirk had the thing all figured out, but he didn’t have any proof, and it was gonna take solid proof to bring the boss back to his senses. Meanwhile the Spanish dude had already gotten another promotion…and someone had been fired to make room for him.
Y’all may be wondering what I was wondering: this was a billion dollar company, so there was a shitload of money at stake. And there was all this gayass drama going on. How could the boss, who was clearly a smart businessman, let his company turn into a gay soap opera? His plan of having a staff of meanass gay guys working for him was coming back and biting him in the ass.
In addition to being like the only two sane guys in the whole place, something else brought Dirk and Keaton together: they both honestly cared about the boss. So Keaton was the person Dirk asked to help him get proof of what was going on behind the boss’ back.
And that’s how Keaton became a corporate spy. I can see how he might have gotten into that, especially when he was younger. Y’all know he’s game for just about anything. Being afraid of nobody probably helped too.
The first thing he did was like something out of a movie: he searched the dude’s office. He did it one of his nights off when he knew the dude was with the boss (ew!). Only thing was that he had no idea how to search someone’s office. He had no trouble getting the key to the office from security, since he was part of the security department himself, but there was a locked drawer in the dude’s desk. Keaton had that too. I don’t know if it was something his dad taught him, but Keaton knows how to pick a lock. He says you never know when it’ll come in handy lol. His search of the office came up empty, though. He realized too late that he should have brought Dirk along; he might have had a better idea of what to look for. Keaton may know how to beat the shit out of a dude and how to pick locks, but they didn’t teach him a whole lot about corporate espionage at Granbury High.
Turns out the evidence was easier to find than either Keaton or Dirk thought. By this time the good-looking dude was spending a couple nights a week at the boss’ house, which meant that it would be easy for Keaton to look through his shit while he was doing shit Keaton didn’t want to know about. (He said it was superfuckin gross, but he could sometimes hear them through the door when he was trying to sleep.) So one night he looked through the dude’s briefcase; he didn’t find anything. He got his hands on the dude’s phone, too…but, if the FBI can’t break into an iPhone, neither can Keaton Penner.
The boss insisted everybody look and be dressed perfect when they came to the office. (The boss even made him and Keaton late getting to the office one morning when Keaton had skipped shaving. The boss sent Keaton back upstairs and stood around waiting for him while he shaved.) So you didn’t come to work in a wrinkled suit. And if you spent the night at the boss’ house, one of the servants pressed your suit while you were sleeping. That gave Keaton a perfect opportunity to go through the dude’s clothes. The proof him and Dirk were looking for was in the dude’s inside jacket pocket. (Keaton said he wished he’d gone through the jacket first: going through the dude’s pants made him want to puke.)
Dirk said the dude had been super careful about emails and computer shit like that…but his pockets were another story. He probably forgot that they were going to press his suit while he was asleep. And he certainly didn’t realize that the dude who was onto him slept in the next bedroom.
The proof Keaton found was a paper with a few phone numbers, the names of the executive and some Japanese dudes, some Japanese writing and some kind of note about a date and time.
Keaton took the paper and showed it to Dirk in the morning. Dirk knew Japanese so he was able to read the paper…and said it was pretty dang incriminating. Dirk said they should both go to the boss with the evidence that day, before the dude had a chance to notice that the paper was missing.
So they did. This time the boss believed them, and went totally ballistic. Like having what Keaton called a super gay diva tantrum, throwing things around, screaming, and breaking shit. (Keaton said he wouldn’t have minded so much except that it was him and Dirk who had to clean up the mess.)
Once the boss calmed down, he had to decide what he was going to do. He asked Keaton for his opinion.
“Fire his ass.” They had their more private conversations in English.
“Not bad enough,” said the boss.
“Send him to an office in the middle of fuckin nowhere, fire him when he gets there, and make sure he doesn’t have the money to get back. That’ll teach your pretty boy a lesson.”
(See why I hate being called pretty boy lol?)
The next day, before they left for the office, the boss told Keaton he was going to send the young dude to an office they have in Malaysia and then strand him there.
“You get him out of the building this afternoon. Dirk’s already got a plane ticket for him for tomorrow morning.”
Keaton had escorted people out of the building before. Y’all can imagine he was good at it.
“One more thing,” said the boss.
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