So…there I was… at Joyce’s…on the couch…with about 9 Stone beers in my system…with Joyce sitting next to me dressed in some kind of nightgown thing that wasn’t really a nightgown. Whatever it’s called.
But I had other problems. It was pretty clear that the next thing on the schedule was not changing the sim card from my phone to the new iPhone Joyce had bought me.
It’s a good thing I was as tore up as I was, because having to make a clear-headed decision in that situation ain’t something I’d have enjoyed. Especially since the problem wasn’t “what?”…it was was “how far?”.
Lucky for me all I could do was just let instinct take over.
Dad had a lot to do with my instincts in situations like this one. He taught me that you take care of the girl first…and then you can do whatever you want to do afterwards.
And when my dad teaches you something, you don’t forget it.
So I know I did the first part.
And that’s as much as I remember.
Until I woke up the next morning. In Joyce’s bed.
Hold on… I ain’t done yet.
I’ve had worse hangovers in my day…but my head hurt like…y’all know the rest lol. Only it’s rude to wake up in a girl’s bedroom and the first thing you do is ask them for tylenol. And, besides, I didn’t know where Joyce was.
Oh yeah…I had my boxers on and I still had my gold cross around my neck (so she didn’t rob me blind like a Tijuana whore lol). My t-shirt and jeans were neatly folded up at the foot of the other side of the bed. On the super girly comforter. Right next to the iPhone, a folded-up brand-new Stone hoodie and something I couldn’t figure out at first but that turned out to be the dang cool Stone bottle opener I’d been wanting for my kitchen wall.
I pulled on the jeans and t-shirt, then noticed a brand new comb and toothbrush were on the bed too. I needed both. Big time. Nothing’s weirder than a chick’s bathroom, but toothpaste is toothpaste and a mirror’s a mirror.
I was feeling better when I opened the bedroom door…and then that stupidass cat Numnums literally threw itself at me.
So Joyce came running out of the kitchen and got the fuckin cat off me and locked it back up in the other bathroom. I hoped MooMoo was already in there.
There was bacon, eggs, more biscuits, orange juice and coffee in the dining room. The only thing she didn’t have was syrup for the biscuits, but she’s a Yankee…and Yankees all seem to think that jam goes on a biscuit. (Meemaw has a saying: that’s funnier than a Yankee trying to eat a biscuit.)
I needed two things: coffee and some kind of explanation.
I didn’t have a whole lot of time for one: it was already after 9 and I had to be in the store by 10. I really needed tylenol too, but, like I said, you can’t go asking a chick for aspirin when you wake up in her bed.
So she poured me some coffee in a big mug with a baseball on it, I had a biscuit and a couple strips of bacon. and then…
“I know it makes me seem like a total asshole if I ask…but how did I get in your bed? I mean, I know I probably passed out from all that beer – sorry I did that – but last thing I remember we were in the living room….”
“You weren’t so passed out that I couldn’t get you into bed. I would have put you in the guest room, but MooMoo and Numnums were locked up in that bathroom, and my babies were already angry that they’d been locked up all during dinner. So it made sense to put you in my bedroom…and…I slept in the guest room.”
That did made sense. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask how I got out of my clothes. Knowing myself, it could just as easily have been me as her anyway.
“I changed the sim card in your phone when I got up this morning. Did you find it on the bed?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t sure you’d changed it. And thanks for the comb and toothbrush. And the hoodie and the bottle opener. I’ve been wanting that for a while.”
“I know. You told me. Since I was at the Stone store…”
Then something slipped out:
“You’re awesome, Joyce.”
Then I looked at my coffee mug and, dang it, I had a flash of one of Becky Landry’s doily notes falling out of my locker.
There wasn’t too much time to sit around over breakfast. I needed to shower (Joyce has a cool shower head in her bathroom with all kinds of massage settings…I probably stayed in there too long lol). And I needed to get to work. As mornings when you wake up in a chick’s bed go, this one was ok. I didn’t want to spoil that by sticking around too long. So I got my stuff and piled into the shitbox and just made it to work in time. Lucky it wasn’t one of those mornings when I had to unlock the store.
Yeah, of course, I got some laughs for showing up in the same clothes I had on yesterday. But one of the good things about working in clothing retail is that there’s always something to put on if something happens to what you’re wearing.
It gave me a chance to nab this t shirt we just got in on Friday:
So now I can wear Dodger gear at work. I got my tylenol too: we keep a big bottle in the break room. Believe me, I wasn’t the first Gap employee to show up at work with a hangover lol.
Then I got my iPhone up and running during lunch. And Taylor homered that night and I won my Disneyland bet with Keaton. I’d say it was a good day all around.