Matteo’s Diet: Weeks 1 & 2

With all the excitement over the Dodgers, I didn’t get to write anything about the aftermath of last week’s episode of At Home with Maya…and now there’s been another show on, too.

Last week’s show had the footage of me and Jacob playing Marco Polo in the pool, so that meant that I appeared with my shirt off…and my ‘fans’ reacted to it even more than they did two weeks before. I don’t feel real comfortable about the way they started talking about parts of my body (it was bad enough when they wrote about my ‘juicy butt’ – and, yeah, that still bothers me), but now they’re writing about my chest and legs and I don’t know what all else. There were even some close-ups of me on the show, so there have been come comments about my eyes. I’m used to it when Joyce says that they’re like sapphires…but one person (I think it was a woman) wrote that my eyes are ‘cobalt blue’. I don’t even know what cobalt blue is…

I’m more comfortable with the people who write about what a nice relationship I have with Jacob and how they’d like to have someone who can play with their kids that way. I’m not sure what it is I’m doing except having fun myself. Of course we’re pretty serious when it comes to baseball, and I may be working a little on Jacob’s swimming technique with him, but mostly we just goof off in the pool so he can blow off steam. That kid’s got a shit ton of energy and even an hour of sprints, diving catches and BP on the tennis court with me doing my best to pitch doesn’t tire him out. It’s kinda cool being 11 and not knowing what tired is lol.

For this week’s show, we were back to Matteo in the gym. From what Ethan told me, the deal is that they’re going to show me and Matteo every other week and have the Matteo segment be about nutrition and his two slices of dry whole wheat toast the other weeks. There’s also a weekly weigh-in, and, I’m sorry, but it really sucks to have to watch a kid I really like have to get on the scale in front of all of America.

They have the weigh-ins in the mornings, when I’m not there, so I only know as much as the rest of y’all do about what they’re like. They’ve got this bigass doctors’ scale…the kind where you have to slide the weights to get a reading. Sandy said that they could have afforded a digital scale (duh), but that Ethan and Jean-François (who I still haven’t met… I presume he exists though lol) thought that the sliding scale would be more ‘dramatic’. I think that must totally suck for Matteo, it’s bad enough that he has to be weighed publicly, but I know how worried he is about having the number on the scale be lower than the week before…and having to wait while Maya fiddles with the scale really stresses him out. Worse yet, they don’t let him get on the scale before the weigh-in, so it really is a surprise on camera for everyone. Then, if he loses weight, all the people there – Maya, Robert, the nutritionist and I don’t know who all else – applaud Matteo, which (I know because he told me) he hates even more than the weigh-ins.

So far it could be worse because he’s been losing weight: 1 pound two weeks ago and 1 pound last week. That’s 13 to go, in case y’all have forgotten.

After the Dodgers won, I really wanted to take the boys out for ice cream to celebrate, but, of course, nothing doing, since I’d lose my job if I gave Matteo anything that wasn’t on his diet. I took Cody out last Wednesday – he was so excited when they won – and it was a really cool experience. And Simone didn’t even complain that I was spoiling his supper, either. How often does your team win the World Series?

Matteo’s diet comes first at the Sharpman house, though. Actually the Beverly Hills Institute of Bullshit came up with a diet plan for Jacob, too. But since it’s 2000 calories a day, I haven’t told y’all about it. I know…it’s totally fucked up that Matteo gets 850 calories a day, but they do do their best not to make him feel bad because his brother gets to eat. Still…Matteo knows that they give Jacob a small dessert after dinner, and it must suck for him. It sucks for Jacob, too. I know I may make them sound like oil and water, but they spend their whole days together with no other kids around, and they really do get along and are super close, no matter how many times Jacob say’s Matteo’s retarded about something. Jacob has wanted to split his piece of cake or his small dish of ice cream with Matteo several times, but he knows he’d get in a shit ton of trouble if he did.

What can I say? Matteo’s diet and exercise plan is fucked up. But y’all already knew I think that. And maybe 25% of the show’s viewers think so, too. But they’re clearly still watching, and that’s what matters.

(Here’s a question: how many of those people would stop watching the show but don’t because they want to look at me in my camo boardshorts? From what Destiny’s told me, there are some viewers who fall into that category. Reality TV is very complicated.)

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