My TV Debut

So the big day has come, and I’ve been on national TV.

I was super torn between watching the game with Keaton and watching myself on At Home with Maya with Joyce, so I ended up doing both. Me and Keaton headed over to Joyce’s to watch the game…and Joyce recorded ‘my’ show for us to watch after the game was over. So we made an evening out of the start of the postseason and the beginning – and maybe end lol – of my TV career.

It was fun watching the game on Joyce’s bigass TV; turns out it gets other channels besides TCM lol. Joyce kinda humored me and Keaton during the game. She even got in Wingstop and some Stone IPAs and left us alone in the den to watch the Dodgers beat the Brewers while she went to the crafting room and worked on a Halloween surprise she says she’s planning.

We only got noisy twice, and Joyce had to come out and see what was happening after Seager homered in the 7th. After that, the most exciting part of the game came at the very end when Jansen – I don’t know what the deal is with him, but it seems like it’s always the same story – walked the tying run right before Christian Yelich was due up. Yelich’s been having a bad year, but there’s no denying what a good player he is…and I gotta admit I got scared. Time was when you could trust Jansen in clutch situations like that…only last night the situation was clutch because he made it that way with that lameass walk. It all ended happily and Jansen struck Yelich out, but for a few seconds in there I saw the Dodgers losing a totally lameass game to a team that didn’t belong in the playoffs in the first place. That was scary.

The game was over a little before 10:30, which is when Joyce came out of the crafting room so we could watch At Home with Maya off the DVR.

“Ok,” Joyce then said, reclaiming her remote, “time to see the child abuser in action.”

I told Joyce Tuesday night about the plan to put Matteo’s diet on TV and she did not like the idea. Apparently she had some weight issues when she was Matteo’s age and her parents made her feel really bad about it. She didn’t go into too much detail, but she definitely feels for Matteo…and told me I was gonna be in the doghouse if I wasn’t super supportive of him. (Unlike most people who do their jobs and only their co-workers know what they’re doing, I’m now doing my job on national TV. So Joyce can definitely check on how good a friend I’m being to Matteo.)

This was the show with the footage (a TV word I learned from Sandy) from last week, before I knew about Matteo’s weight loss program or the plans to film it. If y’all remember, what they shot (another TV word) was me working on fly balls with Jacob and then playing catch with Matteo. Nothing much, just some baseball activity with my two pupils. And – I now realize – a chance to meet the gym teacher who’ll be counting out reps for Matteo as he does his Beverly Hills Institute of Advanced Bullshit exercise program.

Maybe that’s why was more film of me than I expected. I thought the camera was on the boys the whole time when they were filming, but on TV you got to see me hitting pop flies for Jacob as much as you saw him running to catch them. And I’d say the footage was 50/50 with Matteo, too: there was a shot of the two of us together, but then the camera closed in, first on me, then on Matteo. You could even hear me giving Matteo advice on how to throw.

My segment was in the first half of the program, and Joyce started talking as soon as soon as my part was over.

“Enough of that,” Joyce said. “The rest is probably just more about Maya and her visits to the botox clinic.” She hit the mute button and turned to me. “You were adorable!,” she said. “I knew you were gonna be the hot gym teacher…but you’re the lovable hot gym teacher. You can tell what a nice relationship you have with both boys. And they seem like such nice boys, too. I was thinking that Jacob might be a little obnoxious.”

“Why?,” I asked, “because he’s the jock in the family and jocks are obnoxious?”

“You do keep telling us how he’s always calling Matteo retarded,” said Keaton.

“It’s his favorite word,” I said with a laugh. “Would it be better if he said ‘fucked up’ at 11?”

“The kids do seem nice,” said Keaton, “and you don’t seem at all gay teaching them.”

“Why’d he look gay?,” Joyce asked Keaton. “He’s doing sports.”

“It’s not bubba,” Keaton explained, “it’s that show that’s totally gay. Shopping and botox and all that shit. It’s not like straight dudes are the target audience.”

“You can still have a straight guy on the show,” Joyce protested. “And what could be straighter than a baseball tutor.”

“Thanks for calling me that,” I said. “We all know I’m about to become a gym teacher.”

“Not for the bigger kid,” said Keaton. “He looks like he’s got the makings of a ball player. He certainly can make running catches. Weird how he can be so unlike his brother…but what do I know?…I’m an only child. The only one of us here who’s got a brother is Joyce, and…”

“I think you guys’ word for him is ‘jerkoff’?”

“Pretty much,” I said, with a smile. I didn’t want to go into it too deeply, since, even if Jim was an asshole to both me and Joyce, he’s still her kin.

“I’ll be curious to see what people write on Maya’s Facebook page in the morning,” Joyce said.

“What do you mean?,” I asked

“People are always posting comments about the show. Although they’re usually about Maya and not the kids.”

“The show is called At Home with Maya,” I said.

“People fuckin write shit on Facebook about that show?,” Keaton asked. “That really is just fuckin stupid.”

“Don’t ask me why, but she’s got her fans,” Joyce said. “Women who admire her style or wish they were she…and I guess her gay following loves seeing her day-to-day activities. It’s like a chance to hang out with Maya Bedrossian. And some people, for some reason, enjoy that.”

“She’s my boss, remember. Without her I wouldn’t be able to pay my rent tomorrow.” (I think I haven’t told y’all because I’ve been so busy telling you about the Bedrossian gig, but I still don’t know who it was that paid my rent in September.)

“I’m sorry,” said Joyce. “I don’t want to spoil it for you. I’m just not a fan.”

“Not a word out of you,” I said to Keaton with a laugh.

“What made you think I was gonna say something,” he asked.

“Because I already know what you think of the show.”

“And the people who post on Facebook about it.” He turned to Joyce from his social distance. “Is it just women who post shit? Or do her gay fans get in on it too?”

“I think it’s mostly women,” Joyce said. “But I’m sure there are some guys as well.”

“And they’re sure to like you, bubba.”

He got the 2 word answer for that. Then I added:

“Y’all know I still haven’t met Maya, right?”

“All in good time, I guess,” said Joyce. “Maybe she’ll want to meet you now that you’ve aced your TV debut.”

“I dunno,” I said, with a shrug. I definitely am curious to meet Maya – I had a crush on her when I was a teenager, I’ll admit that to y’all now – but I have no idea when or if it will ever happen. I’m not very important to the operation.

“Go home you two,” Joyce then said to us. “It’s late and there’s way too much testosterone in the room with both of you here watching sports. But I’m glad the Dodgers won.”

So me and Keaton headed home. We hung out outside Keaton’s door for a few minutes talking about the game, then went into our respective apartments. I got into bed and fell asleep without thinking any more about the show.

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