I needed until the long weekend to write about what me and Joyce did the weekend before. We were invited to spend it up at this super rich dude’s house up in Santa Barbara…and I’ve got a lot to tell y’all about it.
I reckon I need to explain how we got invited in the first place. Remember Adam, the Parrot’s gay sober catcher, and his husband Allan, who’s also sober, is good friends with Joyce and has a huge thing for me? Adam and Allan have a decorating business, and the super rich dude with the super bigass house in hired them to decorate the entire place. (That’s not counting his art collection. The dude actually owns a Picasso.) So that was like 10 years ago, and Adam and Allan still get invited up for the weekend sometimes.
Ok, so the dude who owns the house, Justen Hunnycut (he makes it real clear to people that his name isn’t spelt Justin Honeycutt) – has a thing for how the British used to do things, especially in the time of those mysteries Joyce likes to read. He wants to have weekend parties like the rich people in the books used to have. (Joyce gave me one of those mysteries to read so I’d have a clue. I enjoyed reading it; I just wasn’t sure if I should have expected a murder while we were up there lol.) So there’s stuff like afternoon tea and a dinner gong and you have to wear a tuxedo or an evening gown to dinner.
There’s also – this is where me and Joyce come in – bridge after dinner. The dude is totally obsessed with bridge. Like he could play it all day. The problem with bridge is that you need four people to play it, and it’s not so easy finding the m. (Mom has to cancel her bridge afternoons if one of her three friends can’t make it. There’s nobody to pinch hit.) So this dude – Justen – is always on the lookout for good bridge players.
Joyce plays bridge, Allan told Justen about her…and that’s how we got invited. (Ok, we also got invited because Justen wanted to get a look at the dude Allan kept telling him about…me, in other words. But Allan told me and Joyce we had nothing to worry about: Justen has a plenty good-looking boyfriend of his own.)
The thing I needed to do before we went was get a tuxedo. I rented the tux I wore on New Year’s Eve, but Joyce didn’t want me going to a super fancyass weekend party in rented formalwear. Lucky for me my employee discount works with Banana Republic, and Banana Republic makes a tux that’s actually pretty cool. We found one that fit me (remember I’m a hard fit: XL shoulders on an L body), Joyce bought me all the accessories (from cool mother of pearl cufflinks to patent leather shoes), and, when I got all gayass and modeled it for her, she said I looked like a “better looking Zac Efron.” Y’all know that I’m no stranger to compliments, but that one made me blush a little. (It was even better than the “young James Bond” compliment she gave me when she saw me in my New Year’s Eve tux lol.)
I managed to get my schedule at the store arranged so I could have the whole weekend off, and we drove up Friday afternoon. Joyce got nervous in all the traffic, but I kept reminding her they said dinner wasn’t until 8:30. We got there with plenty of time to settle in and get into our evening wear.
I thought it was really classy that me and Joyce were assigned two bedrooms that connected through this huge bathroom. Mom wouldn’t have liked someone putting two unmarried people in the same bedroom, and, since, from the looks of the upstairs corridor there were more rooms in the house than in some hotels, there were rooms to spare for the two of us.
Joyce got the girlier room with flowers and a four poster bed; mine had walls partly upholstered in blue fabric and a regular king size bed. I had a feeling I got the Straight Dude Room lol. Joyce said all the furniture was antique, but there were all the modern features you could want, like flat screens built into the walls and some super cool buttons to control all kinds of lighting schemes and to open and close the drapes.
The bathroom was even more amazing. Everything was marble, there were two sinks that were like a mile apart, and of course there was one of those bidet things I have no idea how to use. There was a huge bathtub and a big glassed-in shower. That was the super super cool part. When I turned it on the first time, I got great water pressure through the shower head in the wall. Then I turned one valve and a fancy hand shower started spraying. There was one more control, so I flipped that…and a ton of water came pouring down from on top. It was like being caught in a waterfall…and it was the most amazing shower I’ve ever been in in my life. Joyce already has trouble getting me out of her shower, so y’all can imagine the trouble she had with me and my new toy so we wouldn’t be late.
I took a whole mess of showers that weekend. Like I ended up taking 4 on Saturday. It was worth all the having to fix my hair to stand under that thing.
Joyce and I were downstairs just in time for the “warning” gong 15 minutes before dinner. (I wasn’t expecting a gong. It scared the bejeezus out of me: it’s a dang big gong and it makes a dang big noise.) That gave us time not to have whatever the cocktail it was they were offering in the “drawing” room: neither me nor Joyce is into cocktails. I wouldn’t have said no to a beer, but the one thing in which Justen wasn’t the perfect host was his assuming that everyone drank cocktails and then wine with dinner. I was at least able to taste the wines – there were a whole mess of them – and I even liked the after dinner port, but it really must have sucked for Joyce, Adam and Allan. I guess the wine thing was part of Justen’s making it all seem like an English country weekend. Maybe they didn’t have Coke there back then lol.
Then we got to meet the other guests.