The Labor Day Cookout (last part)

So everybody had a good time at the Pasadena Parrots softball team Labor Day picnic. When Joyce and I were in the car, I did ask her about why she didn’t talk to anyone else when I was in the pool. And not to tell me it was about age, since that’s bullshit. But that’s not the answer she gave me anyway. (I’m noticing she never gives that as an answer…although I’m pretty sure it’s what she’s thinking.) She just said she couldn’t relate to those people.

“But you relate to me…so you should be fine with my friends. They’re a pretty cool bunch. They all liked you. Dani even told me I had a cool girlfriend.”

“Which one was Dani?”

“Keaton’s…um…date. The one who had all the guys following around like…like Clark was following me around…”

“Oh. Her.

Do I even need to mention that chicks hate Dani as much as dudes go for her? What is it with chicks and other chicks who are hot? Look at how cool Adam was with Clark when he lost it over me. Gay dudes have it so much easier lol.

“Do you think she’s pretty?”

I wasn’t going to tell Joyce that Dani is a lesbian, since Dani’s the one who should decide who to tell that to. But, believe me, I’d think she was a super hot if I didn’t know that she liked chicks. So I wasn’t sure what to answer.

Not like there was any right answer lol.

“Sure she’s hot…it’s hard not to notice. But…I can take her or leave her. Maybe I just know her too well.”

“You mean you knew her before today?”

Uh oh.

“Of course. She tends bar at the place Keaton works. You know I hang out there.”

“I thought it was just so you could see Keaton…”

Double uh oh.

“I mean…yeah…sure…but he’s got a job to do. He has to keep an eye on things. He can’t just sit and talk to me. And I’ve gotten to know the other people who work there.” Then I threw in “…most of them are dudes.”

“But she’s there too.”

“Some nights, sure. It’s her job. And she’s cool.”


“I mean…you know…she’s…cool. Cool. Not hot. I told you I can take or leave her.”

One of the things I really like about Joyce is that the she doesn’t get stuck going around and around in circles like chicks do. This was one of the times she was seriously thinking like a chick. I hope y’all know me as a nice guy. Still, like we say back home, I have three speeds: on, off, and don’t press your luck. My girlfriend getting all jealousass over a lesbian was starting to get me on that third speed.

“Don’t worry. Don’t be so insecure. I mean, Sloppy Joe’s girlfriend was super hot, and you’re not getting all jealous of her.”

It just slipped out. I wanted to punish my tongue after it did.

“So you think she’s…hot…too?”

I almost said “duh, she’s a model” but stopped myself in time.

“She’s my height. I don’t like ch…women who are taller than I am when they wear heels.”

I then tried laughing and the holding her hand while I was driving trick. That worked. Until we got back to Joyce’s. Then she started in again about both Dani and the chick with Sloppy Joe…only this time she went full-on chickass and started getting all bitchy about them. I barely remembered what Sloppy Joe’s girlfriend looked like…and Joyce was going on about her makeup and how one of her eyes was smaller than the other and all kinds of shit like that. All because I’d said she was hot.

And she was hot. Sloppy Joe only dates hot chicks. I’m not sure how he gets them, but he does.

There’s only one thing to do when your girlfriend gets like that: open up a beer and turn off your hearing aid lol. Otherwise you’re gonna get pissed off at her, and that doesn’t help anything. It’s no use in explaining that you’re a red-blooded Southern male and that you’re gonna notice hot chicks. The only dudes who don’t notice hot chicks are the gay ones…and they notice hot dudes. It’s just how our eyes and brains work. That shouldn’t bother our girlfriends. Dani’s a case in point: yeah, all the guys were swarming around her at the picnic, but they all stood zero chance of getting anywhere with her. So big fuckin deal if the guys on the team all got turned on when they saw her in her bikini.

I was fixin to tell Joyce that I was sitting with her on her couch and she had nothing to get all worked up about.

I got myself another Stone IPA instead.



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