Bigass Watches and the Men That Wear Them

So y’all remember how Monica’s sister’s Persian fake boyfriend had this bigass watch…and made sure I saw it? A couple dudes came into the store this week, both of them with bigass watches, and both of them comparing them and what they cost. If you ask me it was like two gay guys comparing how big their dicks are, but these dudes were straight. (They were talking about chicks when I went over and did the usual “is there something I can help you with?” thing since none of the sales clerks were doing it.)

I’m pretty sure one of these dudes had the same watch as that fake “Ryan” dude who was pretending to be Caroline’s boyfriend last weekend. And it turns out I was wrong: the thing didn’t cost thousands. The thing cost tens of thousands. The dude with the watch kept repeating the name – something with Philippe – and managed to get in the price while he was doing it. $35,000.

But, hey, the dude also kept saying how easy it was to change the straps so your watch can match your shoes.

That’s worse than gay. I just need a word for it lol.

I know watches can cost that much, and maybe that Ryan dude on Saturday had a model with less features, but (I also learned from overhearing the dude with the watch) even a stripped-down model costs 20 grand.

Ok, so that “Ryan” dude has a watch that cost 20 grand…and he’s on a fake date with a batshit crazy 6.

So clearly a bigass watch doesn’t get you hot chicks.

So I got to wondering why anybody would want a bigass watch like that. If you ask me, it was kinda ugly…and I know Meemaw would say that a watch from Walmart tells time just as well. So you don’t get it to tell time, and you don’t get it to get chicks…. So you’ve obviously get it to show off…and I guess you get it to show off to your buddies. Or maybe more to other dudes. I reckon so they’ll be impressed that you can spend 35 grand on a watch. And what a badass alpha male you are.

Only if you are a real badass alpha male, you don’t need a watch to prove it.

Ok, so I know I’m criticizing the dudes in the store, but it’s not because I wished I had bigass gayass watches like they did. I just don’t get it. If that makes me a stupidass redneck, I think I’m happier being one than I would be with a watch that cost 35 grand but tells time as well as the Swatch Monica won’t let me wear when we’re out on a date.

(And I think my Swatch looks cooler.)

The dude with the dude with the Patek Philippe (I just googled “philip expensive watch” and got the name) had a bigass watch on too…but it was only a Rolex, so the other dude won. (Yeah, we’ve heard of Rolex in Eastern Tennessee. We just haven’t heard of Patek Philippe – which probably explains why a Patek Philippe is better than a Rolex lol.) So then it got totally weird and they pulled out their phones and started passing them back and forth, showing each other pictures of other expensiveass watches.

(Neither of them had an iPhone X.  So I won that round lol.)

Then they got me in it (all this was going on at the register although there was no line so it didn’t matter) and started passing me their phones, so I could say how cool the watches were. Some of them were for sale (I could see the prices…which were fuckin nuts) and some of them were other dudes’ who’d put them on their Twitter and shit so they could show them off to total strangers. (Real smart to tell burglars what to look for when they break into your house.) There was one that they said cost a million bucks (a million fucking bucks) that had diamonds all over it.

I couldn’t help myself when I handed the phone back to the Patek Philippe dude:

“And y’all wish you could have that watch?”

I reckoned they’d answer “it’s fun to look at, but I’d never get myself a thing like that, even if I had the money.” Nope:

“Fuck yeah!!!”

Then the other dude asked me:

“Don’t you?”

We’re not supposed to be rude to customers, so I couldn’t answer what I was really thinking which was:

“I wouldn’t wear a gayass thing like that if you paid me a million dollars. It’s gonna make you look gay and like a pimp.”

Instead I said:

“I reckon it’s cool.”

I guess they were expecting me to slobber over their phones because I wanted the pimp watch so bad, since they looked at each other like I was some illiterate redneck who probably told time using a sundial.

So they finally got around to paying for the T shirts the Patek Philippe dude was buying. You know the kind of middle-aged straight dude who goes to the gym so much he might as well be a gay dude in West Hollywood? This dude was one of them. One reason I could tell was he was buying the shirts a size too small. I know an XL when I see one…but we’re not allowed to say “are you sure this is the right size cause you look a little big for it…” (It’s like saying to a chick customer: “you ain’t no 4, ma’am…go get yourself an 8 so you don’t have to come back and return this.”) Besides, he wasn’t going to look bad in the too small shirt. He was just gonna look gay.

So he paid and they left, and I was kinda pissed off or something…I reckon because I just didn’t get what the big deal was with the bigass watches. I promise you I wasn’t jealous, even if y’all think I may sound like I was. Probably it’s just how I was raised. Getting an expensiveass watch and telling people how much it cost is a right good example of gettin above your raisin’.

Of course, I don’t reckon I need a bigass gayass watch: I can get laid easy without one and I have a super hot girlfriend. My guess is that the Rolex dude wouldn’t be feeling all inferior about his watch if he were getting laid more than the Patek Philippe dude was with his gayass tight T shirts and 35 grand watch.

I guess it was still bothering me later on since I told Keaton about it at the Dog Haus when I was done with work and he was starting. Y’all can imagine how gay he thought it was if I thought it was super gay. Keaton does wear a watch, and it’s as beat up as his phone. He does make up shit sometimes, so he may have been yanking my chain when he said he’s used the metal bracelet as emergency brass knuckles…but it does look pretty dented and scratched up. I can only imagine how fucked up the dude who took a punch with it must have been.

It didn’t cost no 35 grand, neither. And it’s a hell of a lot more badass than the Patek Philippe and the Rolex put together.