(Ok, I realize this post is super long, but y’all should understand why as you go along.)
In case I haven’t been all gay (as Keaton says) about my birthday coming up, I completed my 34th trip around the sun yesterday. For the first time in a few years, I’m not having my birthday party on the show. Keaton took the lead planning a party at the Volcano. I didn’t want another hugeass affair like the show’s given me (like the party five years ago when Maya flew Meemaw out to California and she got her Picasso Dress), so they didn’t close the bar just for me. Instead it would be business as usual for the Volcano on a Sunday night (where the vibe is usually pretty chill), except that all my friends would be there. I told some people from the show that they could come if they wanted, but, even though the crew works literally in my backyard, most of them have always seemed more like people I work with than people I’d socialize with away from work. People like Ethan are great, and they’ve known me for years now, but it’d be weird seeing him at the Volcano.
Since the 8th of November was a Sunday this year, my birthday started off with one of my two weekly shaves and getting dressed for church. I’m not famous enough to have earned a special birthday sermon all for me lol, but Pastor Aitken is very good at saying something you can take home with you. Yesterday she told us we should get into the practice of thanking the Lord when we wake up every morning for getting to live another day. That sounded like a good birthday message, and I’m going to try to start doing it. After services, I got wished a Happy Birthday by some of the people I’ve gotten friendly with at church, like the nice couple I usually sit next to. (They’ve got three kids who go to the kid’s service; none of them have any interest in baseball…or me lol.) I think most everyone at church knows I’m on TV, but I like it that they treat me as a fellow churchgoer. There’s more to Hunter Block than you get to see on At Home with Maya, and I like it when I’m with people who think of me as someone who wears a shirt.
The days when the boys got up early to surprise me on my birthday have been over for a few years now. They’ve reached the age when they want to sleep in on weekends, so I didn’t see them until I got back to the house, changed, and headed to the kitchen. Belen goes to church too (she goes to a Catholic church that has a Spanish Mass at the same time as my service at First United Methodist), and she makes us both a big breakfast afterwards. She really makes an effort to inject flavor into what Lucas has me eating, and I seriously appreciate her for it. Since I can pretty much eat as many eggs as I want, most Sundays she makes me a big plate of huevos rancheros with her homemade salsa and a few cups of the cinnamon coffee that she finally taught me is called café de olla. Belen doesn’t like it that I only get two tortillas, but that’s just the way it is.
We were already eating when the boys joined us. Jacob’s allowed a cup of coffee in the morning now, so he got a mug and filled it from the fancy coffee maker Belen keeps for the gringos. Matteo’s still too young for coffee, so he went into the refrigerator to get some juice. They sat down at the table and I could see they were going out of their way to pretend it wasn’t my birthday.
“There are some eggs and beans on the stove,” Belen told them.
The boys got up, helped themselves and sat back down. Matteo was having trouble choking down the giggles, but I pretended not to notice. They started eating and clearly thought they were being hilarious.
Finally they burst out with “Happy Birthday, Hunter!” and a painfully off-key rendition of the Happy Birthday song. I couldn’t tell if they were doing it on purpose or not, but it was so bad that Belen stuck her fingers in her ears until it was over.
“We got you a present,” Matteo said, “but Mom wants us to give it to you tomorrow.”
“Nice going, retard,” Jacob said.
Matteo got a very awkward look on his face and explained: “I wasn’t supposed to tell you that there’s gonna be something in here tomorrow in your honor, but I guess I blew it. Can you promise to act surprised so Mom doesn’t get pissed?”
“Sure, dude. Don’t worry.”
Sunday’s usually my rest day, but the weather was too nice not to go for a swim. So I waited 30 minutes after I was done eating and got into the pool. The boys joined me, and we messed around for a while, although they’ve gotten good enough at water polo to make it pretty unfair to play 2 on 1. I made up for losing by being much more dangerous with a pool noodle than them lol.
I showered off the chlorine and put on the thick terrycloth robe that was included with the new (i.e., good) towels that came with the remodel. That was when the facetime call came through from home, so I got Dad, Mom, Meemaw and Melanie Kate and her family all together to wish me a Happy Birthday. Portia’s moved out to live with her girlfriend (she’s gay this year; Mom and Dad are cool with it, but I think they wish she’d make up her mind one way or another), so it’s just Cordelia living at home while she looks for a job, which isn’t easy, even with a master’s degree in computer science from UT. She missed facetiming me with everybody else, but she called before I left for the party. Portia sent a text around the same time, and I reckon Elizabeth just forgot. That wouldn’t be the first time.
I made a protein shake for lunch and I wrote the first part of this post. Since I took an online refresher course in calculus last year, I can still help Jacob with his math homework when he knocks on my sliding door like he did yesterday. I help out with Shakespeare homework too, of course. Matteo’s class is reading Macbeth this year, while Jacob’s is reading Hamlet. I hope I’m getting it through to them that Shakespeare is cool.
Dinner on Sunday in the Sharpman house is always spaghetti for some reason I still don’t understand. Needless to say, Lucas doesn’t want me having a whole plate of pasta. What he wanted was for me to eat steamed fish and steamed brown rice instead. I tried that exactly once, and, trust me, there is no amount of sriracha or Salsa Tapatio you can pour on steamed fish to make it taste like anything. So we compromised and I get a big hamburger plus some of the spaghetti with a little olive oil instead of a bun. Jacob saw to it that I got a candle in the banana Moon Pie I got as a special dessert, so I got to make a wish and blow it out.
I wasn’t sure what to put on before heading out to the bar, although Keaton had very helpfully texted me to tell me they weren’t going to let me in unless I wore a shirt. It had been a warm day, but it’s also November, and it’s been cooling off at night lately. Since I was going to be outside on the patio for several hours, I decided against shorts and put on a blue tshirt, jeans, a pair of Vans and a black-on-black Texas Rangers ballcap. (I’ll tell y’all another time why it wasn’t a Dodgers hat, but don’t forget I was playing in the Rangers system when I was in Hickory.) I checked myself in the full-length mirror in the bathroom, and decided I didn’t look 34 – although I don’t think I could have told you what looking like 34 actually means.
Since I’m not drinking these days, I drove myself over to Pasadena in the Silverado. I got to the Volcano around 10, and most of my friends were there already. Although there have been some changes in the bar personnel, the bar itself has barely changed. The only new detail is that they’ve strung a lot of fairy lights overhead on the patio and dimmed the other lights accordingly. The tables on the patio still wouldn’t look out of place in a school cafeteria, and it still feels like a really comfortable place to hang out. Even the crowd’s the same, usually 95% chill people to 5% jerkoffs. Those aren’t bad proportions for a place that serves alcohol.
Dani is still working behind the bar right when you walk in, and guys still go for her big time, although she’s a little older now and she’s started wearing some makeup. Whenever I talk to her, it seems like she’s always trying to get rid of her current girlfriend. What I don’t get is why she’s always so quick to get a new one once she’s gotten rid of the old one.
If Dani’s still where she was, the bartender at the far end of the bar when you come in is someone y’all may remember, Jesse. Even after me and Keaton took him to El Tigre to learn how to box, he just wasn’t cut out to be a bouncer. Turns out that he the makings of a good bartender all along, and he’s been very happy since he got behind the bar. Dani gives him shit by calling him the Dreamy Latino, but that’s apparently not hurting him in the tip department. As Dani puts it, anyone can put beer in a glass. The question is how you look when you’re doing it.
No question the biggest change around the Volcano is Keaton. Sure, he’s still wearing black tshirts and that beat-up leather jacket of his, but he’s not working the door anymore. For eighteen months now he’s been the Volcano’s manager. That may seems like a boring office job for someone who’s pre-Amazon jobs have always involved adventure and even a little danger, but, although I don’t see him settling down anytime soon, maybe he was ready for a change now that he’s 37. And, when his office walls start closing in on him, he just steps outside to help out at the door. The incident when he stood up for Ryan and his boyfriend was only a few months ago, and it was vintage Keaton Penner. You’d never have guessed when he was beating up the two jerkoffs that he was the bar’s manager.
For the new security team, Keaton hired four guys, who’ve done a great job of keeping the peace. The two working the night of my birthday joined the Volcano team at the same time. Not that they knew each other; they just interviewed on the same day. One’s a big latino dude named Joaquin. He reminds me of Miguel, with lots of tattoos that make him look super intimidating. I mean, the dude’s even got “cabrón” tattooed where his sideburns ought to be. He’s the kind of bouncer who looks so scary no one wants to find out whether he’s actually tough, which is good, because in reality he’s a nice guy with a wife, a couple kids and a day job in construction. I can’t say that 300 pounds would be much use in a fight, but he certainly looks like he can kick my white boy ass. That’s a big part of the battle when you’re working security at a bar.
The other new bouncer, Alex, is white, 6’2” and 195, and, even if Miguel looks more dangerous, you mess with this dude at your own risk. When he was younger, he had a promising career as an MMA fighter ahead of him, but he got into using and selling drugs big time, and that got him into a shitload of trouble with the law that got him 7 years in jail. Keaton liked him at that first interview, and went to bat to get him his guard card while he was still on probation. He’s been clean since he got out and lives in a sober living. He’s serious about getting his shit together, and, if you can’t have Keaton playing bad cop at the door, Alex is a dang good alternative. Y’all might wonder if a bar is the best place for a guy who’s trying to stay clean to work, but Alex says that dealing with drunken assholes every night keeps him grateful for his sobriety.
“The usual, Heartthrob?,” Dani asked. Yeah, she still uses my old Hickory nickname.
“Yeah, please.”
My usual these days is soda water on the rocks with a lime wedge. Keaton says I think people are gonna assume it’s a gin and tonic, but he’s wrong. I really don’t give a shit what my drink looks like. And, hey, soda water is refreshing.
The show about the Hallowe’en party doesn’t air until this Wednesday, but someone must have leaked pictures of me in my costume to Keaton, and he had one of them blown up to several times life-size and hung it right in the middle of the patio. It was so fuckin big you had to walk around it. As though that weren’t bad enough, the banner had Happy Birthday to the Volcano’s Giga-Chad!!! written across the bottom.
I immediately found out who leaked the pictures. Lucas came up to me to wish me a Happy Birthday, and asked “how do you like the décor?”
“You and Keaton are in so much trouble,” I said with a laugh. “But did you have to bring up the Chad thing again?”
“Hell yeah!”
“At least the picture does the costume justice. Where’d you get it? There wasn’t a photographer on duty at the party.”
“Eric took them on his iPhone. Did anyone tell you that they bought his footage of me trying to get the glitter off you in the shower?”
“No,” I said. I don’t exactly get a vote on what goes into an episode.
“Jean-François was very pleased with what Eric shot. But they did have to crop out our asses in a bunch of the shots.”
I had a funny feeling that was going to be necessary. An iPhone camera is designed to take images that are longer than they’re wide, and we were laughing a lot, so I reckon it was inevitable that my backside would make it into a shot. My bare ass aside, I was glad that the glitter removal operation was going to make it into the show. It should make a hilarious ending to the crazy story of Hunter and his Puck costume. (For the record, I was finding glitter in my bed until last Wednesday morning.)
Eric was sitting at a table with a couple guys from Los Cervezeros, but, before I could go over to him to congratulate on having his work make it to TV, Carter came up to give me a big and slightly inebriated birthday hug. Carter’s gotten a job with a hedge fund. Before that, he narrowly escaped going to jail for being involved in a cryptocurrency scam. Only by working with the FBI to prosecute his bosses did he manage to get off. Mr. Andrews approves of the way his eldest son is making use of his MBA now that he’s no longer in danger of being incarcerated. Unfortunately, that’s not the case with Lucas: their Dad really wants him to go to either business or law school instead of working on a television show. I’m afraid that Lucas has replaced Carter as the family screw-up in Mr. Andrews’ eyes, although that’s really not fair. Lucas has a well-paying job. It’s Jennifer (the one who used to look at me through binoculars when I used to use the Andrews’ pool) who’s unemployed even with a college degree, same as Cordelia. But maybe the family screw-up always has to be a boy.
Part of Carter getting his act together now that he’s in his 30s is his girlfriend. They’re living together, and Lucas tells me that their mother has the caterer on speed dial lol. Her name’s Hibiscus, if y’all can believe that. As Carter tells it, her parents were total hippies (Carter: “the tie-dye and patchouli kind”), but she turned out the opposite of that. She’s a registered Republican, went to business school, and is having a very successful career in finance. Thanks to the cryptocurrency detour Carter took, she’s currently making a lot more money than he is. Carter likes to joke that he was destined to live off his wife’s money, although, given how he’s from old Pasadena money, I’m not sure where he gets that from.
Hibiscus was standing behind Carter when he hugged me, and so followed suit, and reminded me of Meemaw’s expression “sober as a judge”. Hibiscus actually can have a wicked sense of humor and knows exactly how to manage Carter, but with a way lighter touch than Danielle takes with Sloppy Joe. Lucas likes her too, and Keaton appreciates not having to keep getting Carter out of trouble.
Then I got over to where Eric was sitting. He stood up, gave me a bro hug, and I complemented him on having shot pictures of my ass when I was in the shower.
“I’m glad the show owns the footage and not you. I’m protected by my No Speedo clause with them, but you might get desperate for cash one day and sell it to someone like that creep who was selling counterfeit Hunter Block jockstraps online.”
“Your ass ain’t that good, man,” Eric said, earning him the first two-word answer of the evening. I really wanted to tell him that he should consider giving up nursing and try to get an internship on the show as an assistant cameraman, but I knew Chuy would kill me for tempting his son into giving up a serious career for a one in TV.
Eric was there with the entire Los Cervezeros outfield. Those guys are all in their 20s and fit in better with Eric than with the older guys, of which I reckon I’m one now. Chuy’s 46 and still playing, though, so it doesn’t look like I’m going to have to retire soon. That’s the good thing about amateur baseball: you can play well into your 40s if you stay in semi-decent shape. I got more bro hugs and a chance to use my Spanish with the outfielders. I’ve gotten proud of my Spanish. It’s not as fluent as Keaton’s, but I can carry on a conversation even when we’re not talking baseball.
If only some of Los Cervezeros were there, all the Parrots came to celebrate with me. The team hasn’t changed a lot since I last wrote about them: Sloppy Joe, Keaton, me, Josh and Adam are still the infield, Ryan’s still our pitcher, and Travis is still in the outfield. The rest of the outfield will be new to y’all. Drew (right center), Peyton(left center) and Asher (left) are all in their late 20s. The first two played college ball, and all three wish they could find better jobs. Drew’s a waiter at the Cheesecake Factory, Peyton works in the men’s department at the Macy’s on Lake, and Asher does sells expensive (Asher: “overpriced”) furniture at Arhaus on DeLacey, a stone’s throw from the Volcano. They’re assets to the team, both on the field and off, and they’ve become close friends, although they only met when they joined the team. It was a big night for bro hugs, and naturally they gave me shit for the picture. Peyton wasn’t sure what a Chad was, and he got shit from the three of us for not knowing, but Asher didn’t really have to say “dude, you’ve got the ultimate Chad standing right in front of you!” on my birthday. Maybe I need to ask Dr. Oliver why I don’t have a sense of humor about being called a Chad.
Josh and Marcella were there, too. He might not want me to write it, but his hair is really thinning on top now. He tried shaving his head earlier this year, but Marcella said it looked terrible. So he grew it out, and she said that looked worse. She decided that keeping it very short, as in a 1½ clip, and the team agrees that she was right. Josh just needs to order a ball cap one size down from the one he’s got that keeps falling off. I wasn’t writing when Marcella was pregnant, but their son Fabio is 3 already, knows what a baseball is, and was spending the night with Marcella’s parents.
Dylan was with them when they came over to wish me many happy returns. I guess it’s an occupational hazard when you’re in your 30s that your friends get married and start having kids: Dylan and his wife are expecting their second child in January, but she’s having a difficult pregnancy (the baby’s healthy, but the doctor wants her to take it very easy), so she couldn’t make it to the Volcano.
While on the subject of Dylan, I saw Travis was off in a corner talking to Ryan and his boyfriend, Nicholas. (That’s the one who was getting shit from the jerkoffs Keaton sent home with bloody noses.) The whole team thinks Nicholas is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to Ryan. Ryan relapsed summer before last and went into a disastrous tailspin as a result. With a lot of support from his friends, he managed to pull himself together enough to get off meth and go back to rehab. He met Nicholas (who celebrated his 4th sobriety anniversary recently) at an AA meeting and there was an instant connection, but Nicholas insisted that they couldn’t start dating until Ryan had been clean for a full year. Ryan couldn’t shut up about Nicholas while he was waiting for his one-year anniversary, but they waited like Nicholas said they should. But now they’re both clean and in love – so in love that Nicholas never misses a Parrots game. You really have to be crazy about someone to come watch them play softball.
It hasn’t been smooth sailing for Travis either. He’s had a very rough year, but that story deserves its own post. The most important part is that he’s ok now, but he had more than just us 9 guys very worried when he was going through the worst of it.
“Happy Birthday, Hunter!,” he said as I walked over. He lost a lot of weight during his ordeal, but he looks healthy again. “Did you seriously wear that for Hallowe’en? At first I thought it was something Keaton had photoshopped to give you shit.”
“Nope, that’s really my costume. Tune in on Wednesday to see the whole effect. I didn’t know that the pictures had been leaked, so that thing was a total surprise. I’ve been bracing myself all night for Keaton telling me that I looked too gay to be on Ru Paul’s Drag Race.
We both laughed.
“Well, I think you look awesome. You played Puck in high school, didn’t you?”
“I was in Midsummer, but I played Lysander. My girlfriend was playing Helena, and I’m pretty sure I got the part because of her. If people wondered how a basketball jock ended up in a high school musical, just imagine what people said when Maryville High cast a shortstop in Shakespeare. How are you doing?”
“I’m good,” Travis said. “Honest. I’m doing better than I have all year. The Department of Rehabilitation is even gonna help me look for another real job. I’m really enjoying my volunteer work, but I think I’m ready to take the next step. Ryan was telling me that there’s a saying in AA, “progress not perfection”. I figure that can apply to crazy people just as it applies to alcoholics.” I started to say something, but Travis cut me off. “I know, I know…you’re going too tell me I’m not crazy…”
“Meemaw says a crazy person is someone who sits on a hot stove. So, unless there’s something you’re not telling us, you’re not crazy.”
“Ok, I’ll defer to your grandmother. Still, you know what I mean.”
Before I could object again, Ryan and Nicholas took advantage of the lag in the conversation..
“Happy Birthday,” Nicholas said.
“And many happy returns,” Ryan added. “I just have one question: are you getting too old to be called ‘pretty boy’?”
That got the second two-word answer of the evening, after which all four of us laughed. “It’s Chad I have issues with. I can deal with the pretty boy shit, but if turning 34 will make it stop, I’m down.”
I felt sure more shit was coming my way, but then I saw Sloppy Joe and Danielle on the other side of the patio. I excused myself before Ryan could get started on a pretty boy riff, and went over to join our first baseman and his wife.
“Happy Birthday, Hunter,” said Danielle, leaning forward to give me a little kiss.
“Happy Birthday, man,” said Sloppy Joe, shaking hands but not looking at me. I couldn’t figure out why until I followed the line of his gaze to the giant banner hanging in the middle of the patio. When he saw that I’d figured out where he was looking, he said: “you seriously wore that? In public??”
“Fuck in public,” I said. “I wore it on television. Tune in on Wednesday. They tell me I’m the star of the episode.”
“Oh, man…”
“What? You gonna tell me I look gayer than a room full of catchers?”
“Dude, you’ve got little diamond things glued to your face!”
“Yeah, and I was covered in body glitter, too. The picture doesn’t do that part justice. It took over an hour for me and Lucas to get it all washed off.”
“I can only imagine what Keaton had to say about it,” said Danielle. I may be wrong, but I think she gave her eyes a little roll.
“Until I got here, I didn’t even know he knew. I wanted him to be have a heart attack when the episode drops. Seems like he’s known for a while, but he hasn’t said anything to me. ’m sure he’s been saving it up.”
“He’s probably waiting for exactly the right moment.” That was Danielle again. This time I was sure she was being bitchy, so I just told myself for the thousandth time that all your friends aren’t necessarily going to like each other.
I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around. It was Aidan from the show, standing next to a dude with brown hair and blue eyes who was the same height as me and who looked like he was around my age. Seeing as how Aidan gets all tongue-tied around me, I could see how the dude he was with might be in his wheelhouse too.
“Hey…Happy…um…Birthday, Hunter.”
He reached out to give me a hug. It came out slightly awkward on his side, but I hugged back like I meant it.
“Thanks for coming, man. I don’t think anyone else is here from the show.”
“I…I…think I saw Ken somewhere.”
“So you’re the famous Hunter Block,” said the guy I was assuming was Aidan’s date. “Aidan can’t stop talking about your Hallowe’en costume. Now that I’ve seen it, I think I understand. You’re straight and you let them put all that on you?”
“I think Tony…”
“…is he the makeup man?,” Aidan’s date asked him.
“Yes,” I answered. “I reckon he was having a little fun at my expense, but it turned out awesome.”
“The episode is practically all Hunter. I’ve seen the rough cut. I think the lesson is that you have to be willing to go all the way when you get dressed up in a costume.” Aidan blurted that out real fast.
“At least if you’re gonna look like that when you’re dressed,” said Aidan’s date, who probably realized I’d have to refer to him that way in the blog, so he said: “I’m Timothy.” I didn’t expect him to shake hands, so I went in for the expected limp gayass hug lol. “I think I could use another,” he then said, shaking his Red Solo Cup. “Want anything, Aidan?”
“Yeah, I’ll come with.”
“Do you know who the hot latino bartender is?,” Timothy asked me, turning around. He’s almost as good-looking as you.”
“His name’s Jesse. There was a pause. Then I got what the unasked question was lol. “Straight as an arrow.”
“Oh, well,” said Timothy before he put his arm around Aidan and led him away. Aidan started to turn his head to look at me as he was walking off, but Timothy playfully pointed his head in the direction they were going. I then gave myself a little headache trying to figure out how Timothy’s not especially subtle comments about me and Jesse fit into having a “twink” who has trouble taking his eyes of me as a date.
I had a couple minutes to try and figure that out, but, before I could, I noticed Adam and Allan were coming down the stairs onto the patio. They both stopped when they saw the banner with my picture. They made sure I was looking at them and started making a lot of super gay gestures of astonishment before they started laughing at their own joke. I think that was the first time I ever saw either of them act gay.
They came over to me.
“Hey,” I said.
“Happy Birthday, Hunter.” Allan said it first, but Adam was only a beat behind.
“Did you really wear that?,” Adam asked. “You realize how hard you’re making it for us to believe you’re not gay?”
“I think he looks fabulous,” said Allan. There was that word again lol.
“Thanks,” I said. “But why can’t a straight guy run around in tights and body glitter without people assuming he’s got to be gay?”
“I can’t imagine,” said Allan. “But we love you just the same.”
“We’re just jerking your chain,” Adam then said. “You really do look fabulous. And most gay men I know think it’s very hot when a straight guy is willing to look gay. I presume there’s a Hallowe’en episode coming?”
“Yep. It drops this Wednesday. There’s supposed to be a lot of me in it.”
“I can’t believe that anyone else’s costume could hold a candle to that,” Allan said with a gesture at the bigger-than-lifesize picture. “What did Maya come as?”
“She and Robert came as Morticia and Gomez Addams. They looked great. There should be video of Maya’s seamstress sewing her into her dress. She didn’t sit down the whole night.”
“You gotta give the old girl credit: she has held onto her figure,” said Allan.
“Hey, that’s my boss you’re talking about!,” I protested.
“Do you guys have Fountain of Youth in the backyard?,” Adam asked. “Hard to believe you’re 34 now. Where’s the callow shortstop who joined the team right after he moved to Pasadena?”
“Good question. At least I don’t regret that my callow shortstop days are behind me. I mean I don’t miss the callow part. I hope I can play short for a long time to come.”
“If I can still get down and catch over 50, you should be fine,” said Adam. “Although I can’t say getting up is getting any easier.”
“Did you guys get anything to drink? Dani’s keeping the soda water flowing. Wanna know what’s weird? Barely anyone’s drinking yet I’m having my party at a bar. And only y’all and Ryan are actually in recovery.”
“Don’t forget about Nicholas.”
“And Nicholas,” I corrected myself. “The lovebirds are over there with Travis.” I gestured with my head in their direction.
“That kid’s had one hell of a life,” said Allan, “but Nicholas is terrific. We’ve known him since he got sober. You know we thought we’d lost Ryan for good last year: we were sure we were going to get a call to come and identify the body.”
“This is supposed to be a party,” Adam interrupted. “Let’s just be glad that he’s ridiculously in love with someone who’s just as ridiculously in love with him. You know,” he turned to Allan, “you haven’t looked at me the way Nicholas is looking at Ryan in years.”
Allan tried to look at his husband adoringly. I thought he succeeded pretty dang well.
Although Ryan’s already 30, talking to Adam and Allan about him made me feel closer to 50 than my new age. It got me wondering what did happen to the callow shortstop lol?
Someone put their hands on my shoulders from behind. Then a voice said into my ear, “you know, if you keep wearing baseball hats in public, nobody’s gonna appreciate how much hard work goes into giving you a five-minute clipper cut once every three weeks” After that, it wasn’t too hard to figure out that it was Ken. He’s been doing Maya’s hair since forever, so he’s got to be around her age, but he looks younger than that, maybe because he’s got a carefully styled mane of golden blond hair, or maybe because he’s had some work done. Hey, just because the show films in San Marino doesn’t mean we’re not part of the Hollywood scene. That means people expect you to look young.
I’m very much aware of that reality. Y’all can probably tell lol. But I wasn’t going to let it ruin my 34th birthday party.
It was while I was having that thought that Keaton strode out of his office and into view at the top of the stairs down to the patio. He owns more black tshirts than anyone I’ve ever known, and always wears one to work. He was in jeans and cowboy boots like usual, too. Standing up there and surveying the patio, he looked like he owned the place.
Which he actually does now. Or at least 15% of it. He saved up some of what he made from his Amazon gig (Keaton: “all I wanted was to get the fuck out of that fuckin van once and for all!”) and made a deal with the owners of the Volcano for a minority stake in the business. The owners liked the idea of a manager with a built-in incentive to make the bar profitable, so now Keaton’s the owner of a lot more than just a truck, a gun, a pair of cowboy boots, a leather jacket and a pile of black tshirts.
He walked down the stairs and straight over to me.
“Happy Birthday, Bubba,” he said. His grip and eye contact haven’t lost anything in their intensity in three years I haven’t been writing.
“Thanks, man. But did you have to blow up Eric’s photo that big?”
“Fuck yeah. You look so fuckin awesome that life-size wouldn’t have done you justice.”
“Wait…what?”
“C’mon Bubba, you’re better than that at taking compliments. You’ve certainly had enough practice.”
Ok, so there he was being Keaton. But what about saying I looked awesome on Hallowe’en?
“Were you being serious just now?”
“About the costume? Hell yeah. I’ve never known anyone with the cojones to appear on a TV show with jewels glued around his eyes and pull the whole fuckin look off like you did. Lucas told me told me you blew everyone else’s costumes out of the water.”
“Pretty much,” I said without apology.
“I just don’t get why I had to wait for Lucas to show me the pictures. You should have texted them to me before you left for church.”
I think Keaton actually looked a little hurt that I didn’t have him in the costume loop. I reckon that’s how sure I was that he was gonna tell me I looked totally gay, even though I thought I looked terrific and was a huge success the night of the party.
“Sorry, man. I guess I really underestimated you. I was sure you were gonna tell me you hated it.”
“You thought I was gonna tell you you looked gay, is that it?”
“Well…yeah.” I didn’t want to add that everyone else thought he would too.
“I wouldn’t have blown the picture up that big if I thought it was gonna make you look bad. Giving you shit is one thing, embarrassing you is another.”
“The banner does call me a Chad,” I protested.
“Ok, that was the giving you shit part. You didn’t think you were gonna get off totally scot-free, did you?”
So maybe I should lay off second-guessing what Keaton is gonna say is gay for a while lol. To be honest, I was really glad that he thought I looked as great as I thought I did.
Meanwhile, y’all are probably wondering if walking around the patio and talking to people was all there was to my birthday party. Don’t worry, there was a cake and even some excitement before it was time to go home. But I thought this post was a good chance to reintroduce y’all to a bunch of old friends and give you a few updates on what they’ve been up to. I realize I owe y’all longer updates (especially about Travis and Ryan), but the present keeps happening before I can tell you about the past.
Speaking of presents, I forgot to tell y’all that there was a table with a whole mess of gift bags on it to one side of the gigantic photo banner…
