I told y’all I had a list of people I wanted to update you about, but that’s already gonna have to wait so I can tell y’all about Hallowe’en (that’s how Mom always wanted us to spell it.) Y’all may remember that I first met hot but awful Monica at a Hallowe’en party years ago when I was dressed in my super original baseball player costume. A way better memory is the first Hallowe’en me and Joyce were together and she made me my own personal haunted house. That was one of my best Hallowe’ens ever, although we did use to have fun back when I was a kid. Me, Gardner and Turner even TPd a couple houses one Hallowe’en when we were a trio of 14 year old idiots. No, we never got caught, and reading this is going to be the first time Dad hears about it. At least I think it’ll be the first time lol.
For the past few years, Hallowe’en has been about the show more than anything else. Instead of putting on my baseball costume and gone out drinking, we’ve come up with a new way to celebrate the holiday every year. Last year, Maya and Robert hosted an adults party that was all fancyass with waiters passing hors d’oeuvres and champagne and shit like that. Now that I’m on a show with its own stylist (her name is Sylvia and she’s an old friend from Maya’s acting days), the days of me wearing baseball gear from my closet are long gone. My costume was chosen at a staff meeting, and my only input was that I asked to be a literary character and not something lameass like a superhero. They chose D’Artagnan from The Three Musketeers for me and, although that hugeass hat was a pain to walk around in, I had fun with it, and audience response was very positive.
Since the adults had their party last year, Jean-François suggested that we let the boys host their own party this year. The plan was to have the party out by the pool with a bunch of adults in costume to act as chaperones. Maya and Robert were seriously worried that the kids might get their hands on some alcohol (or worse) and that it would get captured by the cameras and somehow get leaked onto social media that our family-friendly reality show was condoning underage drinking. So there were going to be plenty of adults and only 20 guests, who got release forms along with their invitations. (Jacob’s and Matteo’s friends must be used to getting those by now.) They were even bringing in a couple security guards to make sure that the party didn’t turn into one of those out of control teenage bashes where 50 uninvited guests show up, get everyone drunk and trash the house.
Maya suggested I ask Lucas if he wanted to appear on the show again and help me keep the peace. Lucas then suggested that we bring in his best buddy Eric, since 20 teenagers were going to need a lot of supervision. That’s the same Eric me and Lucas met the night we ended up working at Eric’s family’s car wash. Eric’s gotten his associate’s degree and some nursing training and is now working at a podiatrist’s office. He wants to be a nurse practitioner. Me and Lucas see him pretty often at Cervezeros games, although Eric doesn’t play ball the way his dad, Chuy, does. Eric usually watches a couple innings and then helps start a pickup soccer game. I’ll admit that watching your best friend and your dad play amateur baseball isn’t the most exciting way to spend a Saturday.
After the details of the party and chaperones got settled, the next weekly staff meeting in Maya’s office was when we brainstormed about costume ideas. The boys were getting to choose their own costumes, but Maya was going to have the last word about what we were going to wear.
“How about we all get dressed up as Shakespeare characters?,” I suggested.
“Do you think the viewers would understand that?,” Maya asked.
“Probably not,” said Jean-François. “But you can come as someone out of Shakespeare if you want, Hunter. Do you have any ideas?”
I was about to say that I’d played Lysander in A Midsummer Night’s Dream when I was in high school, but Maya cut me off.
“Just remember you have to be shirtless.”
Maya always looks a little uncomfortable when she says I’m going to have to take my shirt off on camera. I don’t know why she gets that way. I take my shirt off so often that the audience expects it at least every other episode. I may have been a little shy at first, but given how much time and hard effort I’m putting into how I look these days, I stopped feeling self-conscious about it a long time ago. It’s just part of my job to be in better shape than I was even when I was playing pro ball.
My brain was stuck on having played Lysander, although a shirtless Lysander without a Helena really would confuse the audience. But Midsummer was the only play I could think of, so I started running down the cast list in my head.
“I could go as Puck.”
“Sounds good to me,” Maya said. “Any ideas about that, Sylvia?”
“Lots,” said Sylvia. “It’s a great idea, Hunter. We’re gonna have fun with it.”
Maya then changed the subject to her own costume, and everyone agreed that she and Robert as Morticia and Gomez Addams would be a great idea. (They’d been Marie Antoinette and Louis the 16th last year.) Lucas and Eric then suggested that they come as a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit and a prison guard. Their idea got approved, although they had a lot of trouble deciding who was gonna be the prisoner and who was gonna be the guard. That went on until the week before Hallowe’en when the costumes got delivered. Eric tried on the jumpsuit and discovered that orange was not his color lol. Although he and Lucas are the same height, let’s just say that Eric is not following a Lucas nutrition and fitness plan. He weighs in at 215 for his 5’11” while Lucas is a super ripped 170. It made more sense for the big guy to be the guard.
My D’Artagnan costume was rented last year, but Sylvia decided she was going to make my Puck costume this year. Although I was cool about the no shirt thing, I was a little less thrilled when I found out I was going to have to wear tights, something I haven’t done since I played Lysander. I was thinking of asking if tights were covered by my No Speedo clause, but Meemaw told me to just go along with it, since Puck was my idea in the first place. One afternoon, Sylvia showed up at the poolhouse with a pair of green tights that she said were going to be painted to suggest that Puck was part of the forest. She wanted me to try them on for size first. She also handed me a pair of green socks and two things I never saw close up before: a pair of ballet slippers and what Sylvia called a dance belt. I’m obviously no stranger to wearing a jock, but this was not the same thing at all and looked like it was gonna be uncomfortable, especially when I sat down. On the other hand, when I put it on, I didn’t feel as naked as I thought I was going to feel in the tights. It looked like it was going to cover, well, what it’s supposed to cover.
Sylvia sounded disappointed when she said that there was nothing to be done at short notice about my basic fade haircut, but I was thankful when she said that there was no budget for a wig. She did say that there was going to be some makeup involved, but, since they haven’t make me look like an idiot on TV yet, I decided I’d trust Maya, Sylvia and their process.
Teenagers need lots of food, so I spent the morning of the 31st in the kitchen getting Block Burgers ready for Mrs. Bedrossian and the grill. Robert’s stopped pretending that he cares about grilling, so now it’s Mrs. Bedrossian’s exclusive territory. The chili that goes inside the burgers is now a collab between me and Belen, since she thinks I make too big a mess in the kitchen if she doesn’t watch me, and she also thinks I don’t make the chili picante enough. I’ll confess that she’s won me over to super hot food in the years I’ve been eating her cooking. She’s even gotten me to use the word picante lol. Dad might not recognize the chili we use for Block Burgers on At Home with Maya but people out here love the spicier Block Burgers. And, when I did a segment on how to make Block Burgers at home, I gave both the original and picante versions of the chili recipe.
After getting the burgers all sealed up and ready for dinner time , I took a quick swim, hit the gym, showered, and got some writing done (the part y’all just read.) At about 3:45, Marcia, Maya’s assistant since Sandy left a couple years ago (to get married, move to Wyoming and raise a family far away from TV cameras), knocked on my sliding glass door.
“What’s up?,” I asked. She looked out of breath.
“I’ve been searching for you everywhere,” she said, although I didn’t get why she didn’t start looking for me where I lived. “Tony says you were supposed to be in his chair at 3:30.” Tony’s the show’s makeup guy. Nobody told me about being there at 3:30, and I didn’t see what the big hurry was, since I only needed to be ready at 6:30 since the guests were coming at 7. How long could it possibly take for Tony to put some concealer on me like he usually does?
The makeup department used to be in a room off of Maya’s bathroom, since it was Maya who spent the most time in the chair, but Tony got his own space when they redid the house, probably because Maya was tired of having everyone traipsing through her bathroom when they had to get their makeup done. Since I’m still pretty athletic on the show and get sweaty a lot of the time, Tony doesn’t have a lot to do where I’m concerned. He’s responsible for lining up my stubble and putting some concealer under my eyes and on the occasional zit, but I’m generally in and out of Tony’s chair in under fifteen minutes.
“Finally!,” Tony exclaimed when I walked in. “Where have you been? Get your perfect white boy ass in the chair. We haven’t a moment to lose!”
“We’ve got almost three hours before call time.”
“I’ve got Maya and Robert to do after you, and you’re gonna take a long time. See all that product on the table?,” he said, pointing to a mess of bottles and jars. “That’s all for you. You’re gonna look fuckin fabulous when I’m done with you, but great art takes time.”
I guess I looked real puzzled, because he said: “they told me to go all the way with you. I did a production of Midsummer when I was starting out, and I covered the fairies in glitter. That included Puck then, and it’s gonna include Puck now, girl.”
I got used to Tony calling me “girl” a long time ago. It’s just his thing, like giving me shit about what a waste it is that I’m straight. Tony’s 6’2” and 250 and he must spend almost as much time in the gym as I do. He’s half latino and half white, crew cut dark hair, a short beard, lots of body hair, and he almost always wears a tank top, even on cold days. That’s how he looks, but he acts the completely opposite way. I reckon that, if he’s gonna give me shit about my ass, I’m sure as heck gonna give him shit for looking like the poster boy for toxic masculinity and acting super, super, super gay.
“We’ll start with the body makeup and do your face after that”
“Body makeup?”
“Fuck yeah. You know they can’t fix your tan in editing under artificial light, so we need to make you look like a fairy who spends all his time outside rubbing flowers on unsuspecting Athenians’ eyes. Right now you look like a paleass white boy.”
“But I am a paleass white boy!,” I said.
“Yeah, but your fans aren’t supposed to know that. As far as they’re concerned, you’re the second coming of Malibu Ken. And it’s my job to preserve that illusion.”
I didn’t know what Malibu Ken was, but I figured it had something to do with Barbie’s boyfriend and all the not funny jokes I’ve put up with about me looking like him. Here’s a tipoff in case you get us confused: I’m the one with the johnson lol.
“Should I get my costume?,” I asked. I was wearing a tshirt, basketball shorts and my favorite Crocs slides.
“Naah,” said Tony. “We don’t want to get all this shit all over your costume. You got underwear on?”
I guess I looked startled.
“Chill, girl. I’ve told you a thousand times that you’re way too straight to be my type. I just need to get the makeup below your waist so you don’t have any tan lines when you put the tights on. So stand up, lose the shirt, drop your shorts and roll down your…oh, of course you’d be wearing a jock. Just skoosh the waistband down a little and it should be fine. Now go stand on that towel so we don’t mess up my nice clean floor.”
I obeyed while Tony went to work with a very cold sponge and covered every inch of my back and chest and stomach with what looked like way too dark a color. Tony wasn’t turning me into a person of color, but he’d clearly decided that Puck had one heck of a suntan, even if I only thought of him as coming out after dark.
After I was completely coated in makeup, Tony took out a brush and some more, even darker, makeup and looked like he was gonna start painting my abs or something. I couldn’t imagine why he would be doing that, since the abs I’ve worked so hard on don’t need any cosmetic enhancement. Which is exactly what I told Tony.
“Girl, chill. We all know you have the best abs on reality TV. But they’re not going to read the way they usually do when your ten shades darker than you usually are. Just hold still and don’t giggle.” He went to work with his brush, and it did tickle. A lot. But I didn’t want him to mess up, so I managed to hold it in. After he was done, he took a few steps back to assess his work and said, “now you gotta stand there for ten minutes so you can dry. I don’t want to have to do you all over again, and I certainly don’t want you getting that shit all over my chair.” Since the chair was upholstered in white leather, I understood, even if I didn’t want to stand around in a pulled-down jockstrap for ten minutes.
After my time was up, Tony spread a big black towel over the white chair, and told me to take a seat.
“Sit still. This is gonna take a while. You’re not getting the no-makeup makeup look I give you when you don’t get enough sleep.”
“What do you mean?,” I asked.
“You’ll see.”
Although we talked some while Tony was doing whatever it was he was doing to my face, he kept telling me to shut up and stop moving so he could work. He was pretty dang intent on what he was doing, but I know to respect other people’s hard work. The only step that felt familiar was when he applied the concealer. The rest was a mystery to me, and, as Tony had the chair facing away from the mirror, I had no idea what was happening. So I just sat there in my jock (I forgot to put my shorts back on) and wondered what could possibly be taking so long. I presume he put makeup on my face to match the dark color on my body, but then he went in with a bunch of brushes putting more and more stuff on top of what was already on.
After what must have been half an hour, he said, “ok, let’s get started on your eyes.”
“Eyes?,” I asked, probably sounding a little nervous. Concealer was the extent of the eye makeup I’ve worn, and Tony put that on a long time ago.
“You may not know what I’m doing until you see it, but, girl, it’s gonna be fuckin epic.”
Whatever it was gonna be, it took another hour and maybe more. I’ve waited on plenty of women who said their makeup wouldn’t take long, and now I was finding out first-hand why that was always a lie. Mostly what I remember is Tony telling me over and over again to relax, lean back, close my eyes…and fuckin hold still. I reckon I was having some trouble with the last part. I did have to open my eyes when he said he was going to put on mascara. I knew from watching Joyce do her makeup that mascara was the last step in doing her eyes, but Tony added more stuff on top of the mascara.
Finally, he said he was done and that I had to close my eyes one last time so he could put on what he called setting spray. “This keeps the makeup where it belongs,” he explained. “Now don’t turn around and get back on the towel so I can finish your torso. I don’t want to spoil the final reveal, which, by the way, is going to be on camera. So you’d better get your shorts back on before Ethan gets here. We’re giving your gay fanbase a gift with this look. I’m not sure they could handle seeing you in a jock, too.” (I’m fully aware that I have a gay fanbase. Running around on TV without a shirt as much as I do is definitely gonna get guys who like guys to look at you. It’s just one of those things that comes with the job.)
After I’d slipped my shorts back on, Tony came at me with a big bottle. “You don’t want this shit getting in your eyes,” he said, “so close ‘em.”
“What is it?,” I asked.
“Body glitter,” he said matter of factly as I felt a cold spray all over my back and torso. I could tell that he was spraying a shitload of it all over me. By this point, I reckon I was just going along with it. If I was gonna wear tights on TV, how could some body glitter hurt? “Now bend your head forward so I can spray your hair and make that haircut of yours look a little less painfully straight.” While he was coating me from head to waist in setting spray, he told me to be careful where I sat because, even with all the spray, I was gonna leave a trail of glitter behind me wherever I sat.
I was still adjusting to that when there was a knock on the makeup room door.
“You guys ready for me?,” asked Ethan, coming through the door with a camera that was already filming.
“You ready, Hunter?,” Tony asked, playing more to the camera than me.
I nodded. I’ll confess to y’all that I was trying to look more tentative for the camera than I actually felt. The truth is that, after over two hours with Tony, I was dying of curiosity to see what I looked like.
“Okay. Close your eyes and turn around.”
I did as I was told. Tony took hold of my shoulders and positioned me in front of the mirror. “Shit, you’re gonna need more setting spray. I barely touched you and I’ve got that glitter sh…stuff all over my hands. Ok, Hunter. One…two…open your eyes.”
I’m glad the camera was there, because the look on my face was too good for the audience to have missed. So was the fact that they had to bleep out my first word when I got a look at myself.
I wasn’t even sure that the person in the mirror was me at first. No wonder it had taken Tony over two hours. There wasn’t a spot on my head or torso that wasn’t covered in makeup. And most of that was covered in green, blue and gold glitter. I even had blue glitter on my eyelashes.
I couldn’t even count how many different colors of glittery eyeshadow I had on my lids. And that wasn’t all. Tony had even glued a bunch of little jewels around my eyes. The amazing thing was that it didn’t look girly. I’m not even sure how gay it looked, although I did wonder what Keaton would say about it when he saw the show. If you ask me, it just looked incredibly cool, and exactly like I thought Puck should look.
“So what do you think?,” Tony asked.
Once I got over the initial shock, I was smiling from ear to ear. If you’d told me what they were going to do me, I’d have gone along with it since it’s my job, but I wouldn’t have been pleased. By letting it sneak up on me, I ended up with no choice but to think I looked fabulous lol.
