I’m Back!

Some of y’all are probably wondering what’s happened to me and the blog lately. The show’s on hiatus (which, as y’all’ll find out, is a lucky thing for me), so it’s kinda like I’ve disappeared and that I’ve been ghosting my readers. Fact is, I wish I could write, but I had a totally lameass accident that landed me….well, on my ass.

Keaton said that I was the only person who it could have happened to, but it really could have happened to anyone. And I’m not usually accident- or injury-prone. I played baseball for over twenty years and went without any serious injury that kept me from playing for too long.

Ok, this time I did it. And I did it big time.

It happened a couple weeks after we got Gechitzik. They wanted to get some film of me and the dog playing outside…and I was still fixated on the idea of teaching him to catch a frisbee. I figured it would make a cute segment, everyone agreed with me, and so I started working with Gechitzik and a frisbee in an area of the yard that Pancho said was ok for me and the dog to play in. (That’s not to be confused with the area behind the pool house where he’s supposed to do his business. He’s actually pretty good about that. Not perfect, but good.)

So Gechitzik’s gotten used to the idea that he gets his exercise with me after I get back from dropping the boys off at school. And, yeah, he’s a big dog and he likes to run around. So, after I got back the day of the accident, I went into the house to find him. He usually hangs out in the kitchen or in his bed in the upstairs hallway, and, since I didn’t find him in the first, I went to find him in the second.

Ok, so he gets real excited when he sees me. I don’t want to say I’m his favorite (I really don’t want to say that…he’s the boys’ dog), but he certainly likes me, and he knows when it’s running around outside time. So he was all excited and he did this thing where he runs ahead, turns around, runs back behind me, then he outruns me again and turns around again. It’s pretty cute. It’s like he doesn’t want to get all the way downstairs only to find out I’ve gone somewhere else.

So he did that a couple times and then we got to the stairs. Gechitzik was still on the landing when I started going down…and, well, I said he was excited, and he went tearing down the stairs. I know he wanted to go past me, but he ended up tangled up in my legs, and…well, the net result was that I missed a step. It could have been a lot worse…I could have fallen down head-first or something…but what happened was that I landed on my ass.

Hard.

Belen heard 185 pounds of baseball player landing on his ass all the way from the kitchen and came running to see what happened. I was still sitting down when she got there, and I’ll admit I was a little shaken, like you always get when you fall down. But I felt basically ok and I could get up and everything.

So I did get up. Gechitzik looked pretty worried for having tripped me, but I showed him I was ok and took him out back for our frisbee workout. That went fine, too. He wasn’t catching the frisbee, but he’s at least figured out that he’s supposed to retrieve it and bring it back to me.

It wasn’t until the next morning that I discovered I was in trouble. A lot of trouble. I was in some serious pain, especially when I sat up on the bed. (I’m a side sleeper.) Y’all know how you say “ow!” and sometimes you say “shit!” when you’re in pain suddenly? Ok, so, on that scale, this pain was more of a “fuck!”. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stand up, but that turned out to be ok, and I could walk, albeit kinda slowly. I wasn’t really sure what had happened at first, then I put 2 and 2 together and realized I must have hurt my tailbone when I fell on the stairs.

I got myself into the kitchen for breakfast, but realized that I wasn’t gonna be able to sit on the wooden chairs. I also wasn’t sure how I was going to drive the boys to school, since driving a car involves sitting. I ate standing up, which wasn’t very comfortable either, but at least it wasn’t putting pressure on my tailbone. As for driving, it’s a good thing that the Sharpmans have a Maybach with super soft leather seats. The things are like sitting on clouds on a regular day, and, as it turned out, they didn’t put any pressure on my tailbone, either. I reckon that may be because car seats aren’t at a 90 angle to the seatbacks. So at least I was able to get the boys to school and knew I’d be able to pick them up at the end of the day.

Things moved very quickly by the time I got back. Belen told Maya that I was somehow injured, and Maya got to me in the kitchen, where she was having a last cup of coffee before heading over to her office. (When the show’s on hiatus, Maya takes it a lot easier in the mornings. She still looks great, but she doesn’t look like she spent an hour having her hair and makeup done for her, largely because she doesn’t. Yes, Maya Bedrossian is entirely capable of putting on her own makeup.)

“Belen says you’re having back trouble,” Maya said. “What happened?” She looked genuinely concerned.

“Me and Gechitzik got tangled up on the stairs yesterday…and I landed on my butt. I think my tailbone’s bruised or something.”

I was real glad when Maya didn’t say she wanted to take a look at it lol.

“We should get you to a doctor,” Maya said. “Have it xrayed to make sure it’s not broken. I’ll take care of it. Just go and get some rest.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I said, although y’all know me by now, and just getting some rest isn’t how I like to spend my mornings. So I ignored Maya’s advice and changed into boardshorts and tried to take my morning swim. That lasted about ten seconds. Turns out you can’t kick with a bruised (or busted) tailbone. But, since I was in boardshorts anyway, I got in the jacuzzi. It’s something I don’t use as often as I can, mostly because I never have time to just sit there and let the water bubble around me. That morning was an exception, and I figured it might help, even if, when I was in the jacuzzi, I had to lie on my side to avoid pressing my tailbone against the cement seat (or whatever it is that seats are made of in jacuzzis.) Gechitzik was outside, and lay down next to the jacuzzi. I told him not to worry and that it wasn’t his fault I got hurt…but I’m not sure he understands my accent lol.

The jacuzzi made me sleepy, so I did something else I never do in the morning: I took a nap. Laying on my side, of course.

I was out for an hour and a half when Sandy knocking on the bedroom door woke me up.

“I knocked on the sliding glass door first,” she explained. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, it’s all good,” I said, still a little groggy.

“They aren’t kidding about how you don’t look like shit when you wake up,” she said, smiling. “How do you do that?”

“Just lucky, I reckon.”

“Maya sent me over. You’ve got an appointment at her doctor’s at 1. They squeezed you in on their lunch hour. Yeah, it’s nice being a celebrity,” she added before I could say it myself. “Do you need someone to drive you?”

“I was comfortable in the Maybach driving the boys to school. How much further is it to the doctor?”

“Not much farther at all. He’s right behind Huntington Hospital. So it’s just down California another bit.”

“I think I can drive myself,” I said.

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah. I think so, at least. Then I can get the boys on the way home…if the doctor doesn’t keep me waiting for too long. It’s one thing to be a celebrity and get an appointment for your employees. But the employee probably ends up having to wait.”

So I got myself together and headed over to the doctor’s.

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