Post 300: Cast of Characters

I think it’s gonna come as a surprise, but this is my 300th post. I know…right? If someone had told me when I started this blog to get the bad taste of my Valentine’s Day experience with Monica out of my mouth that it would have gone on for 300 posts and that I’d still have stuff to say, I might not have told them they were crazy, but I’d have trouble believing them. But here we are. Post number 300. So thanks to all of y’all who’ve been along for the journey so far.

I didn’t know what I could do that would be special to mark the milestone. Keaton suggested I make an index. While that’s not a bad idea, it also ain’t happening. It would involve waaaay too much work, and Keaton wasn’t volunteering to help with it lol. So Joyce suggested a cast of characters, like you find at the beginning of a play. That sounded more doable, although even that was a pretty bigass project, since I had to go through all 299 posts. I’m sure I’ve missed a few people, but I think I’m pretty accurate, and have listed the dates on which everyone first appears or gets mentioned for the first time. I’m sure I’ll think of someone I left out after I post this…I realized I’d forgotten Jacob Bernstein over my Fruity Dino Bites this morning, although maybe I was blocking his jerkoffass ass lol.

How many people does it make? I didn’t go through and count, although anyone who wants to do that is welcome. I’d be interested in an exact total. I did some estimating, though…and came up with about 410 people y’all have either met or heard about in the blog. That’s a lot. Maybe the blog did need the cast list.

So here goes:

2018

4/10

Hunter Wesson Ashley Block

Monica, my fucked up ex-girlfriend

Keaton, my best buddy

George Strait, a country singer

Candy, a dancer at a strip club

4/24

Joyce, my girlfriend

Olga, a co-worker at the Gap

4/25

Ophelia Scarlett Block (Mom)

Bridgit Marks, a college girlfriend

the dude who wrote that awesome bitcoin blog

Corey Seager, shortstop for the LA Dodgers

5/3

Orel Hershiser, Dodgers pitcher turned TV commentator

Chris Taylor, of the Dodgers

Jackson, right-handed pitcher for the Middlle Tennessee State Blue Raiders and college buddy

5/7

Cal Ripken Jr., shortstop for the Baltimore Orioles and my boyhood hero

Candy Crawdad, mascot for the Hickory Crawdads and my regular dancing partner

5/8

Wesson Hunter Block (Dad)

Caroline, Monica’s batshit crazy veganass sister

5/9

Elizabeth Scarlett Block, my older sister

Melanie Catherine (Kate) Block, my slightly younger sister

Portia Ann Block, my younger sister

Cordelia Sophie Block, my youngest sister

Carrie Ann Block (Meemaw)

5/10

Josh, captain and 3rd baseman of the Pasadena Parrots

Sloppy Joe, our 1st baseman

Sloppy Joe’s hot girlfriend (one of several)

the Pasadena Kung Paos, our arch-rivals

5/11

Andrea Bocelli, opera singer Joyce likes a lot

Dave, right centerfielder for the Parrots

5/13

Cody Bellinger, 1st baseman and centerfielder for the Dodgers

Dave Roberts, the Dodgers’ manager

5/14

our nice college coach

the hardass Yankee coach who succeeded him

Joe Davis, play-by-play announcer for the Dodgers

a plumber, a big Dodger fan

5/23

Sumter Henderson, shortstop for the Tennessee Smokies when I was a teenager

5/25

Olaf, a snowman

random loser pretending to be Caroline’s boyfriend

5/31

Mexican family at Disneyland that sang the Mexican Birthday Song to the dude who wrote the bitcoin blog

6/5

MooMoo and NumNums, Joyce’s cats (who hate me)

6/15

Nolan Ryan, former pitcher for the Texas Rangers

Adrián Beltré, of the Texas Rangers

Matt Kemp, of the Dodgers

Robinson Chirinos, of the Texas Rangers

Kiké Hernández, of the Dodgers

Martín Pérez, of the Rangers

6/17

Hunter Cantrell Block (Papaw, deceased)

Clint Eastwood, star of the Dollars movies

6/21

Ryan, another fake boyfriend of Caroline’s

Lnyrd Skynrd, a Southern thing

6/25

Miguel, bouncer at the Volcano

Dani, bartender at the Volcano

6/27

Alicia, nighttime waitress at the IHOP on Arroyo

6//29

a dude with a Patek Philippe

a dude with a Rolex

7/2

Chris Young, a country singer

7/10

the Kung Pao’s shortstop

Mrs. Ward, of secret potato salad recipe fame

Monica’s fucked-up brother

Monica’s drunkass father

Monica’s passive-aggressive mother

7/13

Muffy Byrne, a friend of Joyce’s

7/18

Mike Trout, centerfielder for the LA Angels

Max Muncy, 1st baseman for the Dodgers

Bryce Harper, then playing for the Nats

Jared, high school buddy and teammate and now my brother-in-law

a stuck-up dude on my college team who beat me in a home run derby

7/19

Manny Machado, sometime Dodger and dirty player

Justin Turner, 3rd baseman for the Dodgers

Alex Wood, pitcher for the Dodgers

Logan Forsythe, then 2nd baseman for the Dodgers

Joc Pederson, leftfielder for the Dodgers

Andrew Toles, then briefly with the Dodgers

Yasiel Puig, then rightfielder for the Dodgers

7/14
Monica’s hatefulass cat (who also hates me)

7/31

29 other chicks (besides Bridgit)

 

8/10

Keaton’s gay Dutch billionaire boss

several bored wives of super rich Dutch dudes

a high-class drug dealer in Amsterdam

8/23

Adam Greenwood, catcher for the Parrots

dude on my MT team who mixed vodka with his Gatorade

8/31

Jesús González García, 2nd baseman for the Crawdads

Slater Hughes, 1st baseman for the Crawdads

Mrs. Hughes, Slater’s mom

9/5

Miley Cyrus, on a poster in Slater’s room

9/9

Trey, rightfielder for the Parrots

Travis Stuart, leftfielder for the Parrots

Allan, Adam’s partner or husband or whatever it’s called

Josh’s wife

another superhot Sloppy Joe girlfriend

Trey and Travis’ girlfriends

David, left centerfielder for the Parrots

his fiancee

Dave’s girlfriend (who has his balls in a vise)

Malik, pitcher for the Parrots

his girlfriend

9/28

Summer, a casual girlfriend in Hickory

Spring, her friend, Slater’s girlfriend

10/9

Ron, bartender at the Volcano

John, one of Dave’s buddies

Manny, another of Dave’s buddies

a drunk latino dude, looking for trouble

2 more latino dudes, his buddies

Carter Andrews

2 more USC boys, his buddies

10/17

Brian Dozier, then of the Dodgers

10/19

Svetlana, co-worker at the Gap

10/20

Clayton Kershaw, left-handed pitching ace for the Dodgers

10/22

Hyn-Jun Ryu, pitcher for the Dodgers

Albert Einstein, a scientist lol

Joe Kelly, flame-throwing pitcher for the Red Sox, now a Dodger

10/28

a baseball fan at Rocco’s, student at Cal Tech

Yu Darvish, pitcher who fucked up the 2017 World Series for the Dodgers

Ryan Madson, then pitcher for the Dodgers

Scott Alexander, pitcher for the Dodgers

10/31

Austin Barnes, catcher for the Dodgers

Kyle Farmer, then catcher for the Dodgers

11/8

two dudes at the Dog Haus in Old Town

11/9

Larisa, co-worker at the Gap

Tatiana, co-worker at the Gap

11/14

Joyce’s Armenian jeweler friend

 

11/25

Ross, referee of the San Marino Turkey Bowl

the Turkey Bowl Troll

11/28

Raul, manager at Home Depot

Esteban, his partner/husband, a sportscaster

Frank, a scaryass lesbian

2 pity invites for Thanksgiving at Adam and Allan’s

Leslie, Adam’s sister, seriously fucked in the head

Thom, her husband

Ethan, their son

12/6

Guadalupe, the Andrews’ housekeeper

Mrs. Andrews

Mr. Andrews

Lucas Andrews, their son, my first baseball pupil

12/6

Brent Stockstill, quarterback for MT

Reed Blankenship, safety for MT

12/21

Ling, Keaton’s upstairs neighbor

her boyfriend, a seriously major asshole

12/24

Alan Jackson, country singer who made a great Christmas album

12/28

our Methodist pastor here in Pasadena

Mrs. LaSalle, a friend of Joyce’s

her family

2019

 1/17

Chuy, owner of a car wash and batting cages in Alhambra

Aracely, his wife

Eric, his son

Abelito, his younger son

1/22

2 dudes who work in the car wash

Abel, Chuy’s brother, owner of a taco truck

Mirna, his wife

2/7

Gardner, my best buddy growing up

Turner Warwick, my other best bud

Mrs. Warwick, his mother (now deceased)

2/18

totally gay dude working at Pier 1

Mrs. Penner, Keaton’s mom

3/18

Mr. LaSalle (deceased)

3/26

Astarte Anaconda, a model, another of Sloppy Joe’s super hot girlfriends

3/27

2 chicks at the Volcano: a 9 and a 5

3/29

a really stupid jerkoff who challenges Keaton to a fight

the ER staff at Huntington Hospital

4/19

Kenley Jansen, unreliable closer for the Dodgers

4/25

Shoshanah Rabinowitz, my high school girlfriend

Mrs. Rabinowitz, her mother

Mr. Rabinowitz, her father

the other Mrs. Rabinowitz, his mother

Yona, Shoshanah’s troublemaker brother

a Jewish family from Knoxville

5/7

Mr. Penner, Keaton’s dad

a Galveston longshoreman

a sketchy underground fight promoter

5/12

Dirk, Keaton’s billionaire boss’ right-hand man

all the gay guys working at the boss’ company

super good-looking Spanish dude, also working there

Brad Paisley, country singer and guitarist

5/28
Justen Hunnycutt, super rich dude who lives in Santa Barbara

5/30

Lord Malcom, British jerkoff

Christian, his boyfriend/partner/whatever

Jonas, a famous movie actor

Sabrina, his wife, a famous artist

Daisy, a bridge player

Tom, her husband, a quiet drunk

Luke, Justen’s partner

6/11

Walker Buehler, pitcher for the Dodgers

6/28
Los Cervezeros, Chuy’s non-English speaking baseball team

7/3

Dylan Stuart, Travis’ brother and Josh’s best buddy

Mr. Balsam, general manager of the Langham hotel

7/11

Jacob Bernstein, a total asshole

7/13

a crew of workmen remodeling Joyce’s house

7/17

a bouncer at a bar in Maryville (2016)

Charlene, a waitress, my then girlfriend

7/28

Richard, Monica’s psychiatrist fiance

7/31

El Tigre, a retired boxer and our boxing teacher

Steve, dude with who me and Keaton take our boxing lessons

9/9

Mr. Stuart, Travis’ father

Mrs. Stuart, Travis’ mother

a Huntington Hospital security guard

a patient care partner in the Huntington Hospital psych ward

Travis’ (ex-)girlfriend

Travis’ (ex-)best friend

girl who sued uber for leaving her on the suicide bridge

2 Pasadena Police officers

9/10

Jacqueline, Dylan’s fiancee (now wife)

Sloppy Joe’s nice girl girlfriend

the dude in a Justin Turner jersey at the cigar shop

the crazy conspiracy theory dude at the cigar shop

9/11

Joyce’s high school ex-best friend

the dude they broke up over

Ashleigh Renfroe, mean girl

9/13

a Corey Seager fan at the Volcano

2 drunkass Asian dudes at the Volcano, looking for trouble

9/14

Clay, a swimmer at Maryville High, Ashleigh’s boyfriend at one point

10/9

the dude who owns the gallery that ‘handles’ Sabrina

another art dude

10/13

Natasha, co-worker at the Gap

Johnny Porter, starting catcher with the Maryville High Rebels

Dean Barnes, our 1st baseman

his gay brother

10/14

Daniel, one of our pitchers in high school, Johnny’s buddy

11/14

a dude who does amazing leatherwork, a crafting connection of Joyce’s

11/18

a girl Lucas liked at school

11/21

Juan Diego, manager of my apartment complex

12/2

my 2 awesome nephews, Melanie Kate and Jared’s kids

Cordelia’s communist muslim boyfriend

12/3

Daphne Potter, owner of a Botox clinic in Beverly Hills

Simone, a social worker, her partner/wife

Cody, their son (Simone’s his natural mother), my second pupil

Belen, court-appointed nurse for Leslie

12/26

Jim, Joyce’s jerkoffass brother

12/28

a girl in the Huntington ER

a big latino cop with her

12/29

Vince, a cowboy with bipolar disorder

a latino patient care partner in the Huntington psych ward

a meanass patient care partner

12/30

a black girl, patient in the psych ward

12/31

an Asian dude who says he’s a prophet, patient in the psych ward

2020

 1/2

Robert Taylor, an old-time movie star

Fred Astaire & Ginger Rogers, old-time movie dance team

1/20

Mr. Balsam’s Secretary

1/28

Enid the Yorkshire Terrier (alias Foo-Foo)

2/4

Holly Robson, assistant manager of the Langham

Chris, front desk staff at the Langham

Jeannette, front desk staff at the Langham

2/6

Ryan, the Parrots’ new pitcher

an escort service recruiter

a very, very sick fuck

a very, very nice social worker

the owners of Mi Casita on Fair Oaks

2/8

Dr. Hereford, angry hotel guest

3 partying dudes in the room next to hers

2 chicks partying with the dudes

Craig Stevens, the hotel uniform tailor

2/16

Rico & Carla, dance teachers

2/18

Mookie Betts, now of the Dodgers

David Price, now of the Dodgers

2/19

the Pasadena Killer Barracudas

Manny, their chill captain

Leo, their pitcher

2/20

Mike Clarke

Noah, his son, my next baseball pupil

3/2

Abelillo, Lupita and Erica, Abel’s kids

Abel de la Flores, his and Chuy’s nephew

a whole mess more relatives of Chuy’s

an elotera (street corn vendor)

3/3

3 other couples taking dance lessons

3/9

Mr. Warwick, Turner’s dad

3/14

Ian, the hotel concierge

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti

3/17

Cian McGwire, my Irish college buddy

Mr. & Mrs. O’Conor, owners of a café in Murfreesboro

3/21

the Mayor of Pasadena

the Mayor of Long Beach

California Governor Gavin Newsom

a Wingstop delivery guy

a third Ryan, this one the dude who gets girls for Keaton

3/28

2 dudes and 1 chick, not social distancing

a dude working at the Wingstop on Colorado Blvd.

3/29

Trip, owner of a bar in Fairbanks

Charlie, his son

3/30

Jake, owner of a dog sledding company outside Fairbanks

another Charlie, this one a husky puppy

4/1

Aliens!

4/9

Jennifer Andrews, Lucas’ younger sister with a crush on me

4/28

Tigger

5/13

Sunny Sue Carson, my prom date

5/14

Turner’s prom date

Tiffani, Gardner’s prom date

5/15

a holdup man at a Knoxville 7 Eleven

the counter dude at the 7 Eleven

2 Knoxville Police officers

5/31

Jamie, a kid I played in little league with

his father

Johnny Porter’s father

Jackson’s father

6/3

the Crawdads’ manager

the ‘Dads’ batting coach

6/12

a sociology professor at MT

6/15

a group of MT ballplayers and their girlfriends

6/19

Sloppy Joe’s grandfather

6/21

a neighbor of ours when I was growing up

7/6

the citizens of Alhambra, CA, setting off fireworks

7/19

the staff of Udderly Delicious

ice cream lovers in Hickory

7/24

Dustin May, pitcher for the Dodgers

a mess of cardboard cutouts in the stands

a fake crowd making fake noise

8/9

2 punkass teenagers

another elotera

8/28

a jerkoff optometrist

his nurse

8/30

the latina woman in the Kroger who acted like I cut her finger off

her familiy

9/8

another Belen, this one the Sharpman’s maid

Sandy, Maya Bedrossian’s personal assistant

9/9

Dr. Peterson, the Sharpman boys’ tutor

9/10

Jacob Sharpman

Matteo Sharpman

9/22

Ethan, director of At Home with Maya

his camera crew

Jean-François, the show’s producer

10/3

Lucas’ crazy college roommate

10/4

Rosalind, a girl Lucas likes at college

10/13

Lola, a sketchy chick Travis met in a park

10/14

an uber driver, a lyft driver…and maybe another uber driver

the night staff at Las Brisas

Travis’ program director at Las Brisas

10/17

Maya Bedrossian, movie and reality TV star

10/19

Robert Sharpman, Maya’s husband

Destiny, the social media expert for the show

10/22

the Tampa Bay Rays

10/23

the art collector who bought Sabrina’s painting of me

10/25

Randy Arozarena, of the Rays

10/28

the Dodgers’ bullpen

Julio Urías, pitcher for the Dodgers

Blake Snell, pitcher for the Rays

Kevin Cash, manager of the Rays

Rob Manfred, Commissioner of Baseball

11/10

a catering waiter

a catering chef

11/11

Maya’s personal tailor

11/15

Maya’s brother, a marine

11/17

Dax, from the Dodger Stadium groundskeeping crew

Pancho, the Sharpman’s head gardener

11/19

Wes and Janet, owners of Terra Cotta Brick & Clay

Jamie, their son who plays for the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp

11/25

Mrs. Bedrossian, Maya’s mother

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