The Truth Y’all Need to Know

Ok…so I understand now all what this coronavirus business is all about. I’ve been doing some research on the internet and I found this website that explains it all. It says it tells you what the government doesn’t want you to know about COVID-19…and that’s exactly what it does. We’ve all been lied to for months because there’s a huge cover up going on, I reckon to ‘protect’ us. Only who wants to be protected from the truth? Yeah, the truth is pretty fuckin scary…but it’s better to know the truth and take precautions to protect yourself than it is to sit around like a bunch of…well…sitting ducks.

So what is it really all about? Simple. In one word:

Aliens.

Aliens are out to both enslave and destroy the human race. Why, y’all may be wondering? Easy. It’s part of the deal they made with the Ancient Egyptians when they came and built the pyramids. They found some hieroglyphic tablets that explain that the aliens built the pyramids for the Egyptians but would return in 5000 years to enslave humanity and make them build pyramids for the aliens.

Among other things, this means that the archaeologists who think that the pyramids are only 4500 years old are all wrong and that the pyramids were built exactly 5000 years ago. Aliens who had the skills to build the pyramids in 3000 BC wouldn’t have lost track of earth time. But these are the same lameass archaeologists who thought that the Egyptians actually build the pyramids in the first place.

What the aliens weren’t expecting was that the earth population would be so big 5000 years later, and they don’t need 7 billion slaves. That would build way more pyramids than the aliens are interested in.

So the solution to the problem is to eliminate much of humanity. And they came up with 2 ingenious ways to do that.

Tool #1: 5G radiation

I’m not clear if 5G is bad in itself, or would have been bad had the aliens not gotten a hold of it, but they have…and now 5G is messing with everything on earth. Have you noticed how it seems like a whole mess of people have been taking crazy pills lately? That’s the 5G radiation. Sleeping badly? Again: 5G. Craving junk food? One more time: 5G. And this is only the first stage of the aliens’ 5G plot: they haven’t even rolled out the technology in most markets. But once people start putting 5G phones up against their heads… The way it was explained on that website I told you about is that the 5G phones are gonna make people’s brains explode. Fuckin explode and spew grey and white matter all over the place.

Tool #2: COVID 19

The coronavirus is the aliens’ other weapon against humanity. They sent a space probe to Earth to pick up a bunch of viruses and then they mutated the regular coronavirus into the novel one that’s got us all locked up in our houses. Then they built spaceships that would fly into the atmosphere and ‘sneeze’ the virus into the clouds. Once it rained, the virus came down to earth…and that’s how we all ended up under house arrest.

I gotta be clear on one thing: despite what you can read elsewhere on the internet, it’s not 5G that’s spreading COVID 19. They’re two independent tools for erasing most of humanity, and, when you think of it, the plan is pure genius. The aliens were banking on us hiding out in our houses to stop the spread of COVID 19. But they know that’s going to make us even more dependent on technology…and that people are all gonna want 5G cell phones as soon as they can get them. So they’re gonna take 5G into their houses of their own free will, and the 5G is gonna finish the job the coronavirus started.

They’re pretty fuckin smart, those aliens.

So what can we do to protect our planet against the oncoming alien invasion? If any of y’all want to build pyramids, go ahead and do nothing, but I’d rather go down fighting than be enslaved and forced to build bigass pyramids for alien overlords. That’s why me and Keaton have started building a bunker underneath my building. Since I’ve got the apartment on the ground floor, it’s easier to dig through the floor to where we’ll be safe underground from the 5G radiation. Juan Diego is helping us, but it is slow work, especially as we’re being nice and building a big enough bunker for everyone living in the complex. Some of them think we’re crazy and think that bottled water and sanitizing wipes will save them, but, hey…these are fuckin aliens with spaceships. Do you think a box of Clorox wipes is gonna be any good against them?

The other thing you can do – and I know that this is going against what I’ve been saying all along – is get as much toilet paper as you can find, anywhere you can get it.

The website I found that explained all of this has satellite photos of the aliens’ planet (they’re afraid of government reprisals if they reveal where the planet is or if it’s in our solar system) and that, from what they can tell, what they use for money looks a lot like our toilet paper. It comes in rolls and you tear off sheets to pay for shit. So you just may be able to buy your freedom from the alien overlords using toilet paper. No one can be entirely sure, but it seems logical that 2-ply would be worth more than 1-ply. I wish the satellite photos of the aliens’ planet were more specific, then I’d know what kind of toilet paper to buy.

Yeah, y’all probably figured it out already: April Fool!

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