So me and Joyce ran into Monica and her psychiatrist fiance in a trendy sushi place last week. I can handle an ex-girlfriend meeting a current girlfriend, but I was nervous that Monica would reveal that I was dating both Monica and Joyce at the same time for a few months last year. Lucky she was more interested in my meeting her fiance…who was nothing special to look at, but obviously had a lot of money. Just the kind of dude you’d think she’d end up with.
I was super thankful that Monica didn’t spill the beans by telling Joyce that we broke up months after I started dating Joyce. I was dang glad to see Monica go (she made sure I saw her ass again as she was walking back to her table), but I wasn’t looking forward to the questions I knew Joyce was going to ask. Joyce isn’t usually the jealous type, although there was the one time she got all worked up over Dani without knowing she was a lesbian. This was also the first time she’d met an ex-girlfriend of mine, so I wasn’t sure how to play it.
Luckily the waitress brought some weirdass fish to our table…and her English was so bad we couldn’t understand what she said it was. The thing that made this one different was that it was made with brown rice instead of white.
Ok, in case you’re wondering: never make sushi with brown rice.
Joyce hated it too, so we got to laugh over it before I had to face her questions about Monica.
“Well…he looked rich.”
“Patek Philippe and all,” I said.
“What’s that?,” Joyce asked.
“His expensiveass watch.”
“I didn’t notice it.”
I laughed. She just proved my point that men buy bigass expensiveass watches to impress other dudes. Chicks don’t notice them.
“She’s very pretty…if you like that type.”
My reprieve was over.
“Yes…no…um…” I was fucked no matter what I said. “Yeah…well…”
“Why are you so nervous? I figured you had ex-girlfriends out there. Anybody with those sapphire eyes of yours obviously had girlfriends before me.”
No, I didn’t think that meant that was the end of it or that I was off the hook.
“How come you said you hated her?”
“Because she’s fuckin crazy, for starters. Maybe you couldn’t tell. But everyone in her family is totally fucked in the head.”
“Oh? So you got to know her family?”
There are times when you just can’t win with chicks. This was clearly one of those.
“Yeah…we double dated with her veganass sister a lot. She’s even more fucked in the head than Monica. They were always in competition with each other. She’s the kind of Yankee who’ll call one person ‘y’all’ and think she’s being funny. Keaton thought she had a thing for me and that’s why she was such a bitch.”
“Keaton got to meet them too?”
“No…I arranged it so he met Monica once, just so he could see what she looked like so he’d know who I was complaining” I put the word in air quotes “about.”
“And what did he think?”
“That she’s a crazyass bitch.”
“I mean about how she looks.”
I shrugged. What was I supposed to say? Monica is hot. Anyone can tell that. Even another chick. Maybe even especially another chick.
“I think he said she was hot…but not his type.” I don’t think Joyce needs to know that Keaton’s type is Asian whores. “And he thought Monica bullied me.”
“I told you she was batshit crazy. When you’re batshit crazy you bully everyone around you with your batshit craziness. Well…” I continued, hoping I could get the spotlight off me, “now she’s that dude with the watch’s problem. Although you’d think a psychiatrist would know better.”
Joyce shrugged. “I guess she’d make an okay trophy wife…if you want something like that.”
I literally bit my tongue trying to eat a piece of ginger, which was a good thing, since I almost said something about me being Monica’s trophy boyfriend.
That was the reason she was so eager to introduce Richard to us. It had nothing to do with fucking things up for me with Joyce or waving her bigass diamond in my face, or making me jealous since she knows me well enough to know that I didn’t give a shit. When I was going out with Monica neither of us considered getting married. Even if I’d wanted to, she’d never have said yes: I didn’t have enough money.
On the other hand, I know I make a very handsome boyfriend…and (I think I explained this to y’all already but here goes again) Monica used me for that. It’s always cool to have a hot girlfriend, although I never showed Monica off to any of my friends (except Keaton…and that was a disaster lol.) But, for a chick, having a hot boyfriend makes your value go up with other dudes. You’ll make yourself more attractive to men if you can show that you’re in demand. We men are naturally into competition, and having a hot or a rich boyfriend is the best way of getting other guys to compete for you. I don’t know how Monica hooked Richard, but introducing her good-looking ex-boyfriend to him showed him that she could get someone a lot better looking than him. Keep a man insecure and you’ve got him. Monica was great at that. It’s fucked up…but it works.
Well…not all the time. Monica having a rich fiance didn’t make me want her back. I was glad to be rid of her and have a girlfriend who doesn’t fuck with my head.
Thankfully Joyce got off the subject, although she did mention Monica again in the car on the way home. Just as long as she didn’t ask when me and Monica were going out, I could handle any questions she might ask.
But then she did ask right before I opened the garage.
“So when did you and that…Monica person…go out. Was it long before you met me?”
“Yeah, right before I met you. We broke up in…in…March of last year.”
“So I caught you on the rebound?”
I think Joyce was kidding. At least I fuckin hoped she was.
“I don’t rebound. Remember: I can’t play basketball.”
Sports jokes never work with Joyce. I should know better by now.
“In any event, I dumped her fucked up ass for being so crazy. I was glad to be rid of her.” Time to be smooth, Hunter. “And then I lucked out. I got a sane girlfriend.”
“Are you coming in?”
That was a tricky question. I could tell Joyce needed reassurance, but the workmen were in the bedroom and bathroom, meaning Joyce was sleeping in the guest room…which is where the fuckin cats sleep. So there wasn’t room for me, at least not overnight.
Still, there was ice cream in the freezer and I was dying for some lol.
“Sure…for a while.”
I ended up spending the night after all. I slept on one of the new couches (I reckon you can say we broke it in that night), and Joyce slept in the room with MooMoo and NumNums. She made my couch up like a bed, which meant I had to get the sheets and shit out of the way before the workmen got there. I didn’t want them to start thinking me and Joyce had a fight and she was making me sleep in the living room lol.
So Joyce got reassured and I got a crick in my back. I haven’t said anything, but if you ask me the old couch looked just fine and was way more comfortable to sit on. You also weren’t scared of getting it dirty. Joyce made bacon and sausages for breakfast (she usually makes only one), so I reckoned the Monica Crisis was over.
And I did my man in the house thing with the workmen, especially the plumbers. Joyce has admitted that it’s making a difference. I know, it’s fucked up and sexist, but my job is to make sure my girlfriend doesn’t get ripped off by her workmen…not to fix the world.
I’d like to say that I wish Monica the best of luck in her marriage. Only the one who’s gonna need luck is that dude with the watch.