Saturday night, I met up with some teammates from the Parrots to cheer up our 1st baseman, who we call Sloppy Joe, after his girlfriend dumped him for a dude with (she said) a bigger dick. Ok, first off – what a total bitch. Second, Sloppy Joe was pretty tore up at Rocco’s by the time the two centerfielders who were with us, Dave and David, headed off to a strip club.
So it was me and Sloppy Joe…and Rocco’s was pretty dead. So I suggested we head across the street to the Volcano. I was gonna have to end up there sooner or later anyway, since Keaton was gonna give me a ride home. Everybody I knew was working there that night: Dani and Ron at the bar and Miguel and Keaton keeping the peace. They all saw Sloppy Joe and how tore up he was. He wasn’t so drunk that he needed to be cut off, but Miguel told me to keep an eye on my buddy.
I ordered a beer from Ron…and we talked Sloppy Joe out of another shot and just got him a beer too. If Rocco’s was kinda dead, the Volcano was real busy, and it was kinda stuffy and crowded inside. So Sloppy Joe and I went outside and sat down at one of the picnic tables they have out on the patio.
“Can you believe that bitch told me my dick was too small?,” Sloppy Joe said, for like the two hundredth time.
“Ok, dude, we gotta do something about you. And by that I mean get you laid. There are plenty of chicks here. I’ll be your wingman.”
Sloppy Joe didn’t look too into it, but just as soon as I’d said it, two chicks came over and sat down at our table. One was a 9 (adjusting for the 3½ beers I had in me lol), and just my type – blonde and curvy. The other was the ugly friend type, although she was more 5 ugly than 3 ugly. She was clearly trying to be the wingchick…although I’m one of those old-fashioned dudes who thinks there shouldn’t be such a thing as a wingchick.
So I figured I might be able to get something going between the 9 and Sloppy Joe…who has a great track record with very hot chicks. That meant me talking to the ugly wingchick so the 9 would hear what a great guy Sloppy Joe was. The usual shit. I don’t know how much the chicks cared that he was a great 1st baseman, but that’s one of the things I told them. Never hurts to come off as a jock…especially as Sloppy Joe doesn’t look too athletic.
Anyhow, my plan got all fucked up. Sloppy Joe didn’t help. When you build a dude up for a chick, the dude’s got to act like all the things you’re saying about him are true. You can’t just say a dude is great if he’s going to sit there and be pathetic. He was so bad that I was afraid he was gonna tell the 9 about what that model bitch had said to him.
But there was another problem. The 9 made it pretty clear pretty fast that I was the one she was interested in…so the wingchick was trying to get Sloppy Joe’s attention away from her friend while I was trying to do the opposite. All the wires were getting crossed.
I certainly didn’t want the 9, even if she was a 9 and I was drinking. I wasn’t about to forget that I have a girlfriend.
Me and Joyce never discussed it, but I’m pretty sure there’s an understanding that we’re not supposed to sleep with other people at this point in our relationship. (I even cooled it with Candy a few months ago.) I don’t reckon I’d exactly be cheating if I did have sex with another chick…but, if I did, it wasn’t gonna be with the 9 from the Volcano on Saturday night.
It’s not that she wasn’t hot. A 9’s a 9, even when she’s totally boringass like this one was. What seriously turned me off was that she was so obviously going after me.
Let me make something else real clear to y’all: I do not like being pursued by a chick. Call me what you want, but I want to be the one doing the pursuing. It’s not like I haven’t had girls come onto me. That’s kind of how it all started with Joyce – only she did it so badly it was hard not to think it was cute. I don’t mind it if a chick shows she’s interested…but I do mind it when a chick starts a full court press on me. It gets me turned off real fast.
So this 9 was pretty much pissing me off. Meanwhile Sloppy Joe was getting pissed off because he was stuck with the ugly wingchick. Finally he said:
“I’m outta here, man.”
“I’ll come with you,” I said, getting up so fast I hit my knee against the table. That’s how bad I wanted to get away from the 9 and her ugly wingchick friend.
I followed Sloppy Joe back inside. Once we were safely in the crowd he said:
“You suck at being a wingman, Blockhead.”
I laughed. He wasn’t the first one of my friends to say that. And, ok, I reckon maybe it wasn’t the best percentage play to assume that the 9 liked big dudes more than pretty boys lol.
“Why don’t you text Dave and David and find out where they went. You look like you could use a strip club.” Sloppy Joe was getting more miserable than ever and I was out of ideas about what to do with him.
“I did that already when you made me talk to that bitch’s ugly friend. I called for an Uber to get me there too…and I think it’s here,” he said looking at his phone. “Gonna bounce, man. And, hey…I didn’t mean it when I said you sucked.”
“No worries. Have a dance for me.”
So we were cool and I didn’t have to worry about him anymore. I pushed my way through the crowd to the bar, right in front of where Dani was making someone a Penner Punch. (She and Ron invented those as a joke for Keaton’s birthday: they’re made with vodka, cream of coconut and grenadine. Turns out some people actually like them. I think they’re totally grossass; all I could stand was one sip from the one Dani made me while we were embarrassing Keaton back on January 25th.)
“Hey Heartthrob.”
“Save me!”
“What’s wrong? I see your drunk buddy went home before Keaton or Miguel had to do something about him.”
“I never need saving from a buddy. My problem is that there’s a chick out on the patio who’s after my ass. I so fuckin hate it when girls come onto me like that.”
“Can’t blame some girls for trying,” Dani said, getting me another beer without my having to ask for it.
“That’s the thing: I can. I’m the dude…let me do what dudes are supposed to do.”
“Does it upset your sense of southern chivalry or something?”
“I don’t know…I reckon maybe…yeah, it does. What can I say? I like seducing a chick.”
“You just like the challenge and the chance to show off how hot you are.”
I shrugged. I wasn’t gonna tell her she was probably right lol. At least in part. Then she asked if my girlfriend knew that I was fighting off chicks in bars at 1:30 in the morning.
Since Keaton was my ride home, I was gonna be hanging around until after closing, which meant I had to make sure that the 9 and her friend didn’t see me again. Dani told me I was being an idiot for thinking that: saying you’re leaving then going to another part of the bar and hitting on some other guy is something chicks do all the time.
I reckon Dani was right, but I still kept looking at the door to the patio, afraid that the dumbass chicks would come inside.
Then someone tapped me on the shoulder.
“Hey, man.”
I turned around. It was Carter, Lucas’ younger brother. Shitfaced as usual.
“I just wanted to tell you that you’re an awesome dude for getting my little bro to make the team. He wanted it so fuckin bad. You’re awesome, man. I never thought he’d make it. You’re like totally my hero, bro.”
Told you he was shitfaced.
“Listen, man: I gotta ask you something. How come your mom and dad weren’t excited for Lucas? Y’all went to all the trouble of hiring me, and, now all your mom had to say was ‘that’s nice.’ Are your parents always like that?”
“What did my dad do?”
“Texted him, I think. He was away on business.”
“Yep, that’s my folks. They act like they don’t give a shit. But they’re not that bad. They care…they just suck at showing it. Were you expecting Mom to congratulate you for doing your job so well and give you a bonus?”
Ok, so I maybe I was. Carter wasn’t too drunk to see that in my expression.
“You’ve got the wrong family if you want that. That’s not how we Andrews roll. Except Lucas…I’ll bet he was jumping up and down.”
“Yeah, he was.”
“So that’s it? You’re done coming over to our place?”
“No. Your mom is keeping me on to work with Lucas some more. He’s only a bench player, so he reckons he needs more help so he can be as good as he can be when they do put him out there.”
“That’s cool. Jen’s gonna be glad.”
Jennifer is Carter and Lucas’ younger sister. I think she’s 14.
“How come?”
“She’s got this ginormous crush on you, bro. Haven’t you noticed? I think she has binoculars and watches you and Lucas in the backyard.”
I knew she had a crush on me, sure. But I thought it was just a normal teenage crush. Now I was afraid she was taking pictures of me in my board shorts.
“She even showed me some pictures of you in the pool.”
Ok, so maybe that’s a little creepy lol.
“I think my Uber’s here…gotta bounce. Awesome job with Lucas, bro,” said Carter.
He headed over to the door, stopping to shake Keaton’s hand on his way out. I wonder how long it took him to end up on the same street corner as his ride. Uber drivers at 2 AM probably learn to be patient.
It was also last call and I felt I could handle another beer. Yeah, it would be my 5th…but I had my first one at 10:30 with a shitload of chili cheese tater tots.
The Volcano doesn’t have really low lighting inside the bar, so they really can’t turn the lights up too much to get everybody to leave. It’s more informal: Dani and Ron start saying “get the fuck outta here” and then Keaton and Miguel make sure they do. Most people know when its time to leave a bar that’s closing, and there weren’t any problems that night.
There’d barely been any problems the whole night. I was in the back most of the time with those two dumbass chicks, so I didn’t see it when Miguel had to toss a couple guys out. (When he told me about it he made a point of telling me that they were SGV wetback trash lol.) The most Keaton had to do was to tell a couple people to chill and look threatening when he said it. Oh yeah, before I got there, he had to break up a couple that was fixin to have sex on one of the patio tables.
Like usual, Keaton gave me one of those Short Story cigars and told me to sit in the corner and be quiet while they closed up. Dani and Ron counted out their drawers, Miguel and Keaton collected empty cups, and they had the place looking decent in less than half an hour. (Like most bars, the Volcano hires a professional cleaning crew to come in the middle of the night and do the heavy cleaning. They ain’t paying Keaton enough to clean up bathrooms at 2 AM lol.)
So when they were done, Ron locked the place up and we all headed to our cars. Keaton was the only one parked in the DeLacey garage, so we walked off in that direction.
That’s when the real excitement of the night started.
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